Rule # 42: Ask for Help
One of the things I have noticed in developing this list of “life rules” is that the most important rules are the simplest. They sort of cut through the BS of life with a clarity that is self evident. This is one of those rules.
In the past week 4 of my 6 children have come to Bobbi and I for some sort of help. That might make you think that our family is in crisis or failing – but it is actually an indication of the strong health of the family. Failure would be family suffering alone, and spiraling into bigger problems.
In the United States the culture of “rugged individualism” is glorified. Its the “pull yourself up your bootstraps”, “put on our big girl panties”, ” Yippi-Ki-YA Mother-fucker” philosophy that is reinforced as 100% American, that gets us headed down the wrong road.
Don’t get me wrong I am not becoming a ” it take a Village” liberal, all I am saying is that sometimes Tony needs to see a shrink. You can’t do it all alone.
And there is the root of the whole thing… we are not alone.
Since we were all swinging monkeys in trees we were social animals. Animals that require the interaction with others to both survive and thrive- we were not made to be the John Waynes or John McClains of the Animal kingdom – we were meant to interact with each other. It is only through interaction that we learn and grow.
As a father the scariest thing we face is that our children will feel lost and alone. The fear that my kids will not realize how wonderful they are and how great life can be is my greatest fatherly fear.
Before each kid left for college I gave them all the same lecture. The snowball effect talk.
I told them that when they go to college they will be faced with thousands of new distractions from relationships with roommates, to college parties, to new sexual interactions. It will all come hurdled at them at 100 mph when they least expect it. It will be a blizzard of distractions pulling them in every direction, and burying them in a bank of despair.
I tell them, it isn’t a question of if this will happen, but when it will happen. It may happen when you fail you first biology exam ( that’s how it happened to me) or when you realize that you are four weeks behind on a project that is due in two days. But that storm is a coming…
I tell them to remember at those times…. ASK FOR HELP. Don’t let the snowballs start rolling, because the longer they turn in those freshly packed layers the larger they will get. Eventually they will run you over.
I tell them that to know this before you even walk on campus. Start thinking about who you they will call and how they will ask for help. Learning that skill of asking for help will be the only way they will survive the blizzard. Know the campus tutor lines, the mental health crisis lines and all the other sources of help.
And don’t be ashamed of failure, be focused on the recovery.
To Err is human to recover Devine. You can’t avoid the weather, it comes to all of us eventually, but you can prepare and recover.
When Mr. Rogers was a child he tried to understand terrible things happening in the news. To understand why these things were happening to him and the world.
His mother told him ” Look for the helpers, you will always find people that are helping”.
I take that just a little further in that you need to ask these people for help.
As JK Rowling points out in the Deathly Hollows … “Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.” Dumbledore was one wise dude.
The proudest moments in my life are coming now when I see my children helping each other. I see them sharing their problems and secrets with each other, and rallying to the aid of a sibling when needed. I see that they have truly know that Help will be given to those that ask.
Life is hard as it is wonderful. Sometimes its fucking hard. Sometimes the snow seems like it will never stop and that snowball will crush us.
But it always stop. Look for the helpers, particularly your brothers and sisters, because help will always be given.
You just need to ask.
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