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Rule # 41:  Pressure makes diamonds ( the recently renamed JoPa rule)

When I first started in business I had an early mentor, Sam, who gave me two pieces of advice that served me well in life.

1. That all you important decisions in you life will come down less than 5 critical  moments.

2. That these moments will be extreme pressure and they will either mold you into a diamond or flatten you into dust.

At the time I first heard this advice I was only 27 years old and thought I knew what Sam was taking to me about because I thought I had made a couple of those decisions already. I thought he was talking about the decisions such as, which woman I was going to marry, which college I was going to attend or what job I took.

I lacked the wisdom that only Sam a  old former marine officer who served three tours of duty in Vietnam could have learned in only 45 years of life. He wasn’t talking about choices of what I wanted to do or whom I wanted to do it with, he was talking about the BIG choices that defined a life.

One of the best explanations for what Sam was talking about came from that great fictional philosopher, Lt. Col. Frank Slade in his famous speech in defence of his young friend Charlie, at the end of 1992’s “Scent of a Woman”;

“Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard. Now here’s Charlie. He’s come to the crossroads. He has chosen a path. It’s the right path. It’s a path made of principle that leads to character.”

What both Sam and Frank were saying was that there will be critical moments where we are faced with hard decisions that have real consequences that will cost us dearly and we will have to make a decision as to if we are to keep what we have, or risk losing everything to serve an ideal of who we want to be.

I think war and combat must force those decisions to occur at a speed and severity that can not be experienced elsewhere. Where values such of protecting the safety of your unit and defending the freedoms of others can come at a personal price of a life long disability or loss of life. To jump in the line of fire not only when you think you may be shot, but when you know that you will likely die, requires a level of understanding that I can not fully appreciate because I have never been in that situation.

What inspired me to again write in this neglected blog is that recent events at my Alma Mater, Penn State.  They have caused me to  reflect hard on the words of Sam and to do some introspection on the critical moments I have had so far in my life.

Joseph Vincent Paterno was as close to a demigod in my life as anyone. I was never a fan of football in high school, and actually never really followed too closely any professional sports team. Yes, I know the big stories and key players in most sports, but never got emotional invested in any team. But Penn State football has been an exception.

It became so because “JoPa” defined his teams in terms of character and not wins.  I actually have never been a fan of his coaching or old school team management styles, but gain respect for what he was building.

“Success with honor” wasn’t about football, football was just a living metaphor for what the school was about. JoPa got it. It made sense.

But what Sam and Frank knew, and that JoPa apparently did not, was that in our lives we will be faced with these critical decisions which will make everything else you have done in your life look virtually unimportant.

Let’s face it JoPa did great things- following his “Grand Experiment” he transformed not only a football team but the university that surrounded it.

Sure he was 84 and should have retired a decade ago, but this man was on a mission from God. If he wanted to have losing teams and coach to 100 I felt that if anyone deserved to die on the field, this man did.

As I read the never ending stories about the seriel child molester, Sandusky, I at first could not believe that our JoPa, MY beloved JoPa, could have known anything about this man’s evil nature.

But as the decades of abuse allegations have unfolded in the news headlines I am left with the certainty that over the 20+yrs of rumors and and incidents in a community as small town-like as State College there was no way this could have gone unnoticed or unreported to its elder statesman. JoPa faced one of these critical moments at sometime.

Maybe it was in 1998 when the first shower incidents occurred.

Maybe it was in 2002 when then Graduate Assistant McQueary came to his home to report a child’s rape.

Maybe it wasn’t until he was called into the Grand Jury earlier this year.

But I seem certain that regardless of when it happen, JoPa was faced with one of these critical decision moments and made a terrible decision. A decision so wrong in its scope that it made the libraries he built, the awards he had won and the legend look like pebbles being crushed by a bulldozer of failure.

JoPa was faced with a moment of decision to do ” right thing”, the “hard thing”.

And instead of leadership he did his best Jack Sparrow imitation and “waved  at them as they pass by”.

Incidents like this will happen in your lives where you will see people you have learned to love and admire over the years disappoint you by making a making a wrong choice in their lives at a critical decision point.  I hope it is only a JoePa like sport figure and not your spouse or worse yet me as your father. But I do know that you will see these decisions in your life and be impacted by others critical decisions.

There isn’t much good that comes out of a JoPa fall from grace decision mistake, but it can a least help each of us to reflect our critical decisions and be ready for the decisions when they really matter.

I know you as my children will be left reading this with the question, what were my Dad’s critical questions? Unfortunately I’m not really sure yet, because the consequences of my “big” decisions have yet to fully play out in life. I can’t yet tell if what I think was important was really that important.

If JoPa had gone to the police at some point(any point), although newsworthy at the time would not be remembered as some great decision on act of heroism. It would only be remembered as a man doing the right thing when it was expected of him.

Sadly, most of our real successes of doing the “right thing” go unnoticed most of the time. It is only the failures that become obvious.
 

Rule #19: Men and women can’t be “friends”

Harry : You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally:Why not?
Harry: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally : Yes I do.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally : Yes I do.
Harry : You only think you do.
Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally : They do not.
Harry : Do too.
Sally : How do you know?
Harry : Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally : So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry : No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally : What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry : Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally : Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.

Quote from 1988 movie: When Harry met Sally

Virtually every woman that I have shared this rule with has  argued with me that the rule does not apply to them- and everyone of them has within 5 years came back to me saying that I might be right. So as much as you might be saying to yourself right now, “Dad doesn’t understand people of my generation ” , I ask that you suspend your disbelief and hear me out.

My rule is based on a couple facts about people.

1. Humans beings are Animals:

Humans beings are mammals, and regardless of your position on evolution we have a great deal in common with our fellow animals:

• Animals eat. Human beings also have to eat.
• Animals sleep. Human beings also need sleep.
• Animals have sex to procreate. Humans also have sex.
• Animals defend themselves; they fight. Human beings also have to defend themselves

Yes, we have larger brains that can manage abstract thought but it doesn’t change the animal nature that underlies our thinking. We have the ability discriminate between things and postpone gratification, but in the end we are driven by the desire to eat, sleep, have sex and survive.

2. We are born with an attraction to one sex or another.

Rarely will I find it  necessary to quote Lady GaGa but I have to agree with the title of her song ” Born This Way” that ultimately we are born with a preference. This is not saying anything about the moral issues around homosexuality or bi-sexuality, it just states that the survival of the human race requires mating between men and women.

As an aside I will state my views about homosexuality so that you are not left with a lingering doubt about what Dad thought about the issue.

I am a conservative, who believes in a higher power (God) and believes that there are clear moral positions of right and wrong that guide us in life. I also believe it is God’s plan that human beings continue to be successful on the earth, and as such it is important that there are more generations of people- and that requires heterosexual sex.

Although I understand and see this as an important part of us as a people, I do not know what God’s plans are for each of us. I do know that many wonderful kind, smart and good people are born with a perferance for a same sex partner. My sole criteria for evaluating a person is how they treat others in their lives. Regardless of who or what they choose to sleep with and how or where they choose to do so, the only important issue is how they treat others.

I’ve thought as most parents have, how would I feel if I had a gay son, daughter or gay grandchild? And the truthful answer is a bit sad. Not sad for me but for knowing that someone I loved  faces a life filled with intolerance and at times isolation. Not sad that they are gay, but sad that they live in a world that treats them so badly.

I want my children to be proud of who they are, and I hope that over the next decades that we as a society become more focused on what a person does outside the bedroom than in it.

Saying all this just reinforces my central ideas is that we are born with a hard wired preference sexually.

3. Everyone one you see or meet will be filtered through this sexual preference- Everyone!

People do an instant sort of people when they meet each other based on the evaluation of that other person in terms of your sexual attractiveness. No one ever looks at someone who meets their definition for “sexually attractive” and ignores it, it becomes the first decision in the relationship and from then on defines all other parts of the relationship.

This sorting of people occurs a primal force, and I would argue that one that can not be avoided. It however, can be managed.

Just because you find the check out person at the Wallmart attractive doesn’t mean that you have selected her for a possible mate. You have the ability as thinking people to say yes or no to a further relationship based on all the other issues that impact a potential mate.

4. Men do not draw a distinction between friendship and sexual relationship

In humans the males have hard wiring for pursuing and wooing attractive mates. Its the same in the animal kingdom where one sexually partner is the hunter and the other the hunted. Evolution has give the pursuer skills and attributes to be more successful at being a pursuer, and the pursued different skill and assets to become more successful at being pursued.

The nature of man is that built on stimulis and response. Each interaction teaches a man what is more successful in mating than other things. Things obvious like someone smiling, laughing at your jokes and making eye contact all lead to more successful potential mating encounters.

I believe that this evaluation of responses from women is what makes men cheat with their secretaries, co-workers and others that they are put into routine situations with on a daily basis. Woman may be just being polite and friendly, and men can take it as a green light to a relationship.

Basically it comes down to men being stupid in the processing of cues.

But saying they are stupid is another way of saying way they are overly optimistic.

All men when given positive cues will view the cues in an extremely positive light- it is what allows the male sex to keep pursuing females despite rejection.

So stupidity is a survival skill.

Now, women are not going to get off the hook.

Women claim to be above it all, and just be friendly to others and dress attractively because the like to feel go about themselves. And although the statements are both true, the nature of females is to be worthy of pursuit and of interest by males. So, they are reinforced by positive reactions of all males to their personalities, appearance and dress which tells a woman they are on the right track. It isn’t that the 23 year old is trying to be flirt with the 63 year old married man next door as a partner, but when he flirts back it does it make a the woman feel good.

Humans tend to keep doing things that get something out of, and these exchanges cause both men and women to receive positive reinforcement of behavior.

So why can’t men be friends with women?

Because men and women can not turn off the exchange.

Men ultimately can not help themselves in presenting behaviors that pursue women, and women can not help themselves from presenting behaviors that attract men- It is as Lady GaGa says..it is the way we were born.

What men and women need to do is to use their brains and control the urges and desires that drive them. And this is possible.

But it has to have rules. In your professional lives I have some clear rules which need to be follow:

• Do not go to lunch , drinks or dinner with any person of the opposite sex ALONE unless you intend to puruse  a relationship- the chances of one of you misreading the cues are too high.
• Do not engage in flirting or sexually charges joking, unless you either want a date or want a lawsuit.
• Never touch a co-workers. Backrubs, hand stroking and knee touching are ways to send seriously wrong messages.

Yes, the workplace is the incubator of many successful relationship, but understand the pursuit is dangerous to your career and reputation.  I urge you to be virtually sexless in your professional exchanges with the other sex.

On a personal level since men and women can’t turn the desire level off there is an extremely high probability that one of you engaging in a platonic friendship wants it to become sexual and emotional.

This probability goes up with mutual attraction:

• Man is attractive to the woman, woman is not attactive to the woman         (83%  chance of sexual relationship)
• Woman is attractive to man, man  is not attractive to the woman  (72% chance of sexual relationship)
• Woman and man are attractive to each other  ( 90% chance of a sexual relationship)
• Neither the man or woman are attractive to each other ( 50% chance of sexual relationship)

These probabilities DO NOT decrease if one or the other participant is in a committed relationship, in fact they increase.

If you are engaging in a platonic friendship with an committed person their is an imbalance in the relationship. Too many opportunities to share confidential information becomes a receipe for failure.

One exception to the rule is couples being friends with other couples.

The mechanism which draws couples together is able to control when there is another partner present.  The power and control exchanges are much different and couples can be friends with other couples.

I know that all this sounds cynical and a bit sad, but I’m trying to save you a great deal of hurt. Almost everyone that I’ve known in my life has ignored this rule only to cause hurt to themselves or others.

People are not nearly as complex as they seem and are driven by the same set of forces- eat, sleep, have sex, and survive.

Rule # 12 : Don’t Marry Till You’re 30

” To thine own self be true”

Most of us though a 10th grade english class can recall this line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. And most of us remember something about the play but the context of the quote is often lost.

It was a speech made by another Father to his son, Polonius to his son Laertes before he heads off to Paris.  This was a time long before blogs when the use of long winded speeches was about the only way a father could impart wisdom to his son. And by the way Laertes rushed off  at the end of the speech. it is obvious that relationship between advice giving fathers and advice receiving children has not changed much over the centuries.

But like Laertes, you likely heard the first part of the lecture and not the whole message.

The whole quote is much more meaningful in its lesson.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

So what Shakespeare was saying was far more important advice than just to be “honest with yourself”, he was was saying that you should be true to who you are, and not pretend we are someone else to others.

As I write this entry I am 51 years old and only beginning now to fully accept the person I am – recognizing my many failures and what my strengths and likes are as a man.  I realize now in the wisdom that can only be gained by making many mistakes, often making the same mistake multiple times, that most of my missteps in life came from trying to be someone I was not.

Nowhere were these missteps more evident than in my relationship with women.

Every wrong move or bad relationship I had in my life stemmed not from errors on the woman’s part but from errors on my part in not truly being myself. I wanted to be loved, accepted and told that I was doing the right thing more than actually doing the right thing.

That’s not to say I was the complete reason for the relationship failures, but not knowing who I was made it virtually impossible for me to know another person.

When you are in love, or more likely in lust (see all men are pigs posting), you want to keep getting the high that comes from being connected with someone. Passion for another person is like the cocaine of life, it feels so good when you connected with another person completely we are willing to give up everything we have, including ourselves to feel it again.

Being in love/lust is very much about compromise and embracing the uniqueness of each others. It isn’t bad to try to learn to love and share the interests of a partner. Let’s face it Matthew McConaughey would not have a film career if not for a million men trying to make their dates happy by seeing his latest uni-demenishional screen performance in the “chick flick” offering of the season.

What I’m talking about isn’t about learning to love opera, its about how you view the world.

Things that define who you are and how you love your life, like;

• Am I  social person or am I a loner?
• Do I view the world optimistically or pessimistically?
• Is being successful in business more or less important to me than my family life?
• What things in life truly make me happy?
• How do I view money, am I a spender or saver?
• What type of relationship do I want with my extended family- Do I want to be a part of the Waltons or be a hermit?
• Do I really love kids enough to have them?
• Do I want to travel the world and move often, or do I want to have a house at the Jersey shore and stay near where grew up?
• Do I forgive and forget or am I a person that enjoys revenge?
• Is God the center of my life or am I the master of my universe?

I know that these questions seem very simple, but if you don’t start asking yourself them you won’t be able to really connect fully with someone in a real way. You can’t ask someone to join you on life’s journey until you know where you want to go, and how you want to get there.

That brings me to the title of this entry ” Don’t Marry till You’re 30″

I established this rule not because there is something mystical about the age 30, its about the probability of truly not only asking the tough life questions but being able to answer them. Yes, there are a few very enlightened people that truly know who they are at 25, but I personally have never met them. I have however met hundreds of 50+ year  olds that have been so busy with work, marriage and stuff that they have never asked themselves the fundamental questions of life. They are running to one fast food restaurant after another so concerned about eating they’ve never enjoyed the meal enough to realize what they are consuming.

 The probability that you will truly know the answers to what you want in life by age 20 is less than 3%, by age 25 about 25% only by age 30 is your likelihood over 60%.  So to have a real chance at making decisions that are good for your partner and you, later is better.

One strong word of caution is that getting married is like starting a lifetime road trip where you together pick how you will be traveling and where you want to go on the trip. And once you start that trip the excitement of all that you will see on the way ( new houses, kids, work, college, marriages, births and deaths) you will be so busy looking out the windows of life’s road trip car that there will be very few chances to stop and think about where you are going.

Once on life’s road trip with your partner three things are TRUTHS;

Truth #1: Every mile you go will need to be backtracked if you head the wrong direction

If you get 5 years down the roads with a partner you and you look over at the person next to you in the car and realize you don’t like where you are going, you don’t get to pull over and find another person to get in the car with you.

You have to go all the way back to the beginning of your journey, find a new car and restart over again. So every mile you go in the wrong direction makes the journey back further.

Truth # 2- You will change destinations many times

Where you plan to go on your road trip in your 30’s will be very different than you plan to go when you are in your 50’s.  You’ll find yourself staying longer in some places than your expected and completely missing others, stay flexible and be sure your driving partner is flexible too.

Truth # 3 – Sooner or later you will have a flat tire in the rain on a dark road.

Life, like road trip cars, breakdown from time to time. Sooner or later you will find yourself stuck in the middle of a rainstorm, on a lonely road at night with no spare. At that moment you will look over at the person next to you and either be wishing they were someone else, or so glad that you are on in that car with them.

All this comes down to really knowing yourself.

So get to know who you are..try things, challenge yourself, do stuff that makes you fee uncomfortable- learn who you really are as a person.

Then, and only then, regardless if you ar 29, 30 or 76 you can find the partner who makes the trip all the better.

Rule # 14: What Women Want

Women have been the greatest source of joy in my life, and the greatest source of mystery.

I think the complexity of the gender is what attracts men to them.

To my sons: I know with certainty you will have your heart broken because you thought you understood what a woman wants in a relationship and have assessed the relationship entirely wrong.

To my daughters: I know with certainty you will have your heart broken because you thought you communicated clearly what you wanted in a relationship and the man misunderstood entirely. ( of course when this happens to my daughters I have a 40 gallon drum, a bag of lime and a shovel that will take care of the insensitive cad)

It is very hard for men and women to understand what each other “really”  wants from their partner. But through many failures I have gained knowledge on the subject that needs to be shared. For me I learned none of this easily, and hope that through reading this posting I can save you trips to the florist, eating containers of Ben and Jerry’s at 2 in the morning and perhaps a tear or two.

What inspired me to write this posting was a quote from a movie I watched the other night,  “The Tourist” which although a very average movie had one exchange of dialog that defines my entire insight on the subject of what women really want in relationships:

Elise: Invite me to dinner, Frank?
Frank Taylor: What?
Elise: [gives him a look]
Frank Taylor: Would you like to have dinner?
Elise: Women don’t like questions.
Frank Taylor: Join me for dinner.
Elise: Too demanding.
Frank Taylor: Join me for dinner?
Elise: Another question.
Frank Taylor: [thinks for a moment] I’m having dinner, if you’d care to join me.
Elise: [smiles at him]

Embodied in that exchange is the essence of what women really are looking for…and I ask you to re-read it .

Go on…I’ll wait.

In that exchange is the two keys to understanding what women are really looking for in a man.

Key # 1: A man whom knows where he is going

There is a running joke on most television shows about men being afraid to ask directions. 

I think its because men get trained by their mothers, girlfriends and wives ( and I’m learning daughters) to not trust their instincts. They are taught to ask permission on virtually every thing in their lives. And when one of us finds ourselves lost on an unknown road we hide the fact, rather than risk further ridicule or lectures from our women traveling companions.

Its this uncertainty of directions which causes the the most confusion in life.

One simple truth is there are clear healthy or unhealthy things in life, but there are many right answers to a questions which can yield successful results. Simply there is more than one way to go.

When you find yourself  looking for the route in life you can head for the expressway, the sceanic mountain drive or the urban tour and it doesn’t really matter as long as your headed in generally the right direction. If you get lost , who cares, life is far too short to worry about such things, find a new place to stop and eat, regroup and just trudge ahead. Its the journey that matters not the destination.

I have found that the confidence of someone who is not needy or dependent is attractive to virtually every woman. I think it is also why women are sometimes attracted to jerks.

This is an important warning to my daughters, because in addition to all men being pigs, there are a significant number of us that are jerks.

There are many jerks that women get attracted to because of the desire to me with a man who “knows where he is going”.

Avoid the “self involved child”.  Guys that never mature can sometimes mask their immaturity and self indulgence personality in a smooth aroma of what appears to be confidence. You can wake up 3 years into relationships with men like this and realize that you are surrounded by emotional wreckage.

Daughters, look for the signs;

1. Does he ask you about you as much as he tells you about him?

2. Does he show that you are important to him by simple things like opening the door, or picking you up flowers every once in a while?

3. Does he avoid self destructive behaviors that impact your life?

If you answer no to any of these questions you have mistaken a immature jerk for a confident man. Confidence is not having the will to throw a temper tantrum if things do not go their way. Confidence is not being insensitive or inflexible- compromise shows strength more than it shows weakness.

Look for coolness not cockiness.

It will take some searching but men do exist with right stuff, and never settle for anything less.

As one last aside to my daughters about these “jerks”, men can’t not be fixed.

If they are jerks on the first date, they will be so 20 years from now. No matter how much you love someone you can not make manufacture maturity for them. Walk away early, and walk away quickly- you deserve better.

Key # 2:  A man who in comfortable with who he is

Confidence comes from knowing that you are the man you want to be. It’s knowing you have choices everyday, and can go to sleep soundly knowing that you have made choices which reflect who you want to be.

I have seen men that wear $3,000 suits, and men that own only wears worn jeans both display the same comfort in who they are, and how they are preceived by others.

I learned this important lesson when I contracted Bells Palsy in 2001 and had 1/2 my face paralized for 6 months. It affected my speach, my appearance and my overall ability to be perceived as a healthy strong person.

What I learned in that period that being comfortable with who I was, unappologicly, confident and proud was much more important than how I looked outside.

Being comfortable with who you are starts with liking yourself enough to take care of yourself, and ends with the confidence that you know who you are.

I recommend that you spend at least 2 minutes every day looking at yourself in the mirror and asking yourself…”do I like this person”.

If you do not, for whatever reason take the steps necessary to change it, and I hope you know I am talking about far more than if you need a shave or haircut.

When you can do this everyday and answer,  “Yes! I like who I am” then women will be far more attracted to you. This being comfortable with who you are is a magnet to women, it draws them in because it is both attractive and safe.

Liking yourself is the most important guide you should follow before trying to form a realtionship with someone else. If you don’t like you, why would anyone else like you.

I wish I could say women were not attracted by other things like physical appearance, wealth or power but that would be a lie. Especially when women are under the age of 28 they tend to make a lot of mistakes trying to indentify what is real and what is not.

But all women evenutally come to the same conclusion- It is impossible to be happy in a relationship with someone that has no idea who they are or where they are going.

My wife Bobbi tells me when she stress she feels like she is alone in the woods.

I think it is the role of men in relationships is not to “lead’ the way out of the woods, but to find your partner, build a warm fire and have some smoores until they are ready to walk with you out of the forrest.

The secret is too convey to her that she isn’t lost at all, and you know how to have fun where she is…and that when she is with you, no matter how deep in the forrest she is, she is home.

Knowing how to be where you need to be, and conquering fear of being lost through confidence and self worth will get you home safe with a woman who will love you.

Rule# 62: Make your bed

This may look at first glance like a chore list. Make your bed, take out the trash, walk the dog….

But making your bed does a great deal more than appease your parents need for order in the household. I argue that making, or not making your bed can define your day and eventually your life.

Life is a a collection of uncertain moments with uncertain outcomes. Similar people may approach identical circumstances and because of timing, outside factors and small changes in the universe come up with much different outcomes. There are no guarantees in life, and no matter how well you are prepared for a set of outcomes life can and will throw you a curve ball  even when the pitcher signals a fastball.

We have to live with uncertainty.

The only thing we have complete control of is our actions and mindset. It is the attitude which we approach the uncertainty of life that makes all the difference. We begin to establish that attitude everyday when we get up by how we treat ourselves, our home and the people we meet;

I have found that the simple task of neatly making the bed,which you just got out ,of says allot about how you intend to interact with the world.

I have to explain in a little detail exactly what I mean by “making a bed” because the definition and task can vary widely. I have to first start with the what “making a bed” is not.

It is not quickly pulling up comforter to hid the unmade sheets.

It is not  throwing the pillows at the headboard and yelling done.

It is not neatly arranging 22 assorted throw pillows and shams (I’m not exactly sure what the purpose of a sham is, but I’m fairly certain it is not related to the sham-wow of infomercial fame) This isn’t interior decorating.

What making a bed is, is the  3  to 5 minute process of neatly straitening out the sheets, covers and comforter so that the bed is “sleep ready” for the night.  It looks like a bed that you would not be embarrassed to have a neighbor see and creates an inviting welcome when you enter it for sleep.

The whole process in under 5 minutes says a number of important things about you and the way you value yourself;

1. ) It says you are worthy to have a nice bed to sleep in and not just a pile of covers that shifts from night to night

2. ) It says that you can set out and accomplish tasks, even small tasks like this, and execute them quickly and efficiently

3. ) It says, when of the appropriate age ( for Rachel and Abby this means 32) , that you believe that you are worthy of someone being interested enough in you to join you in your bedroom for sleep and other adult activities. And that person, hopefully being a spouse. would like to enjoy a comfortable place to lie down with you.

4.) It is a caring act to your spouse or significant other whom shares your bed that says you care about them. For men having a well made bed for the woman of your life (note I clearly said woman and not women) is equivalent act of chivalry to opening a door or holding out a chair as they sit. It tells the woman that you respect them.

I want to make another brief aside while discussing the bed to my children. For the boys, avoid at all cost overly masculine bedrooms while you are single. The use of more neutral tones will be far less threatening to any woman. The room doesn’t need to look like you entered the Delta house fraternity president’s bedroom.

For my girls avoid, when living single beyond the age of 30, the use of  Princesses, unicorns, and pinks.  These will not send the right message to your future husband ( the only man that should see your bed) , make your choices neutral enough not to scare away people.

Back to the issue of making the bed…

In your life senses of accomplishment become increasing rare as you get older. With your work the projects will become longer term and the completion dates less certain. With your children you will go from the almost instant gratification of seeing them take their first step or sayingDaddy, to waiting years for them to become stable in jobs and relationships. The wins are still good ones, but their a lot more distance between the win.

Getting up everyday and making your bed starts you out with an accomplishment and a win. It helps you believe that there can be closure to things in your lfe and things can be get done.

I ask that you add this simple task to your life and enjoy the joy which it can bring you.

Rule # 77: Don’t mess with Karma

In a lot of these postings I address the issue of religion and God in a number of ways. Many of these ideas have been discussed at the dinner table, with generally a heated debate as to if there is evidence of God existence in the world. These issues center around a Matthew’s strong belief that virtually every phenomena in the universe can be explained through science and logic.

One phenomena that I think challenges the thought of a non-God, science driven existence is the concept of Karma. Karma is the Hindu/Sikh/Buddhist philosophy that basically comes down that through our actions we are interconnected with the world.

Although I can not prove the existence of God,  I none the less will make attempts at in in future blog entries, I can see that the intertwining of the universe is real and measurable.

For my more analytical children, and that means you Matthew and Stephen, what I am specifically referencing in science is the concept of chaos theory. The particular segment I am referencing is the “Butterfly Effect” where the action of wind displacement from flapping of Butterfly Wings in Africa interact with millions of other seemly insignificant effects that eventually impact the strength of North American Hurricanes. It is used as a metaphor for the interrelationship of all things, and a statement of the chaos in which the system interacts.

It was early chaos theory that caused Albert Einstein to write in a letter to Max Born,”At any rate,I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice.” Within the discussion of Chaos theory it is easy to think the world is a random place with interrelationships between all things but no guidance or order. I along with Dr. Einstein would argue that their is order, even when we can not quantify it because we lack the perception or the tools to measure it. Too many variables, interacting in to many ways to be a mapped as a system.

But we find too much order in the universe to completely dismiss its presence. As we look inward to the charting of the human DNA strain we don’t find more chaos, but instead find more order. There is a eloquence of design that can not be ignored or easily explained away as the outcome of billions of years of trial and error.

When we are very young and we do something good we expect a reward or praise. As we get older that reward and praise disappears and we start to do things because of an inner moral code or for some things a work ethic. The maturity we develop as adults is that actions, rewards and punishments do not need to be  directly linked for you to do the right or healthy thing.

But just because maturity allows us to separate them doesn’t mean that cause and action  link doesn’t exist. Just it doesn’t need to be so obvious.

We have all witness examples of staged Karma when we see shows like Extreme Make Over and Secret Millionaire. But I challenge that this overt examples of orchestrated Karma while uplifting to watch are too simple to really explain the philosophy.

I think Karma is much more complex than do something good, get a cookie.

I think Karma develops over a life time, or perhaps many life times and is like the current of the ocean. When you swim with the current the trip becomes easier and you are helped along the way, when you swim against the current your struggle and feel  overwhelmed.

The best advice I ever received from any therapist is that I should not try doing the right thing but try doing the healthy thing. Concepts of right and wrong are often hard to see when you are close up, and the concept of healthy vs. unhealthy is easier to see when you are close up.

I think Karma is like that, doing the healthy thing for others and yourself encourage more healthy things to happen. Doing unhealthy things attracts other unhealthy things to enter your life. Karma is like the magnet or moral compass that points the way, you can ignore it but it will still exist as a force.

In looking at the disasters that occurred in Japan with the earthquake and tsunami I was offended and shocked by some Internet bloggers who mused aloud about how this could all be Karma from the actions of the country during WWII.  Besides being the spewing of hatred and racism against a people suffering a great loss,  the bloggers themselves are doing unhealthy things against Karma. Attacking a country, and a group of people during a time a distress is just sicking.

Karma can be found in situation like the Japan Earthquake, but not from any implied punishment to its people but from the waves of kindness from relief workers and people wanting to help. Helping others, connecting with other is the key to understanding Karma.’

Sakyong Mipham, the Buddhist leader explains that, “Like gravity, karma is so basic we often don’t even notice it “.

In your lives kids, you need to choose paths with the current and not against it.  Finding ways to connect with others and change people lives for the better, without thought of return will help the current of positive Karma effect every one’s lives and your own as well.

I like the expression in business of ” doing good, by doing good”.

Its an understanding in business, your personal relationships and even with interactions strangers by seeking a healthy positive Karma direction for your life your actions of good will bring much goodness to you.

But doing unhealthy things, and looking for immediate rewards for every action will lead a very destructive existence.   Karma is a bitch.  A powerful unhealthy bitch of a wave that will destroy you if you follow a path against it.  Respect it. Respect yourself. And Respect others.

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Rule #49: Ready, Aim, Fire

When you were all very young you use to play with water guns and other inappropriate violent toys in games of war. Nerf guns were always the weapon of choice at the Hills’, and the battles would rage on in the basement and lawn for many hours.

Despite the dire warnings of my more liberal friends, that these games would cause you to be violent. none of you have yet to purchase a weapon more powerful than a paintball gun. As of this writing not even one of you have climbed a church tower to have target practice on your neighbors. That’s what I call effective parenting!

What these games did teach you was the importance of three words; Ready, Aim, Fire!

The concept was simple you find a target, steady your weapon and focus it on your intended target, than when the victim is in both sight and range you fire. This simple concept was well applied in the playing fields of youth, but most people I have met in my life have forgotten, or perhaps never learned this important rule.

I have found that there are three groups of people in the world when it comes to living this phrase:

Group  # 1:  Ready, Aim,Aim Aim…..

This group of people comprise about 70% of the population and they are people that are intelligent enough to see the opportunity that the world gives them and skilled enough to be able to hit the targets of life, yet never pull the trigger.

Many people blame fear for this failure to act, but I don’t think its really fear that stops the actions but a reluctance to risk change. When I was in my first jobs in business I got promoted rapidly because I was willing to risk the next day being different from today by making choices when I wasn’t absolutely certain of the outcome. This may seem like dangerous behavior but its not like jumping off the edge of a cliff, uncertain of how far the drop would be, rather its more of a calculated risk.

By calculated I mean that you’ve seen that type of edge before and know generally most of the falls are less than 3 feet, and only one in a thousand are the dangerously high, and you’ve got padding and a helmet so even if the drop is unexpectedly large you will be banged up but still survive. And you know that by making that leap your life will be changed, maybe for the good, maybe for the bad but certainly changed. It is the processing of not only knowing all the risks are associated with a move in life but also accepting the unknown.

Like Phil Conners trapped in his perpetual Punxsutawney-ian perdicament of a never ending day, many people are caught in the never ending process of planning and replanning for the future and never living. The lesson of the movie Groundhog Day is that we should challenge ourselves to find opportunity within the day, to take risks and interact with one another if for no other reason but to experience life. Walking around focused so much on assessing risk and avoidance of pain keeps us from feeling what life is..all sides of life.

You will be faced with many opportunities in life, things that will be clear forks in the road that will require a yes or no choice with little or no time to prepare for those choices. The people of the  Ready, Aim, Aim, Aim…. group in most cases choose not to make decision at all, but to let the inaction of life direct their next move. These people are the frogs on the log being swept by the current of life too fearful of jumping off to make a move and too uncertain about the future to enjoy the ride. Even if the decision is a bad one to stay on the log,  enjoy the plung over the waterfall, it will be a great ride and a life worth living.

Group #2-  Fire, Aim, Ready

This group of people comprises about 30% of the population and are the ADD participants of life. They see so many choices and opportunities and lack the ability to process and sort through them. This group becomes furstrated by the complexity and instead of make a decision say yes to to everything, in in some cases no to everything.

It is one thing to assess the the risk including the risk of not assessing everything, it’s another thing to just wander through life obvious to consequences. We see they train wrecks of life like Charlie “Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.” (“20/20.”) Sheen or Brittney ” shave my head” Spears and cringed.  Sadly these incidents of Firing before aiming or in some cases not even thinging, are becoming more common.

I think the tendency of the group to is to basically give up on reality and face the world with a false vibrato of taking all comers. It is Popeye-estic approach to life telling people ” I am what I am, so deal with me”. Although on the surface this seems confident and powerful, by not aiming at things this group becomes destructive and hurtful.

The process of  thinking about what needs to be done ( ready), then planning how to do it in away that minimizes damage and maximizes return (aim), followed by action is the most effective way of implementing things. Tact in our society, I believe due largely to the advent of the Jersey Shore Reality Series on MTV, has become seen by many as a weakness. There is always an implied wimpiness to thinking before acting that is wrong.

Group #3 : Ready, Aim …Fire

The 10% of the population that can put it all together, acting and not avoiding, and thinking and not just reacting, go through life with much more success and happiness.  It is the balance the process that makes it successful.

For you my children I want you to always find a way to act on what opportunities life has given you, but to find a way to do it in an intelligent respectful way.

RULE # 216: Don’t use bcc

This seems like an unusual rule to share with my children, but this is for me an issue which is part a pet peeve, part ethical guideline and part social standard. The way I see it the use, or non-use of the blind cc is a definition of social character the same way not wearing a suit for an interview or using the “f-word” as a noun, a verb and an adjective is for people. The use defines us, and not in a good way.

First a brief history of the carbon copy in case you are reading this and the whole ability to do bcc has been replaced by the latest 22 yr Internet genius ( hopefully named Stephen Hill) invention which renders the bcc moot much the same way as the xerox machine killed carbon paper.

A man named Ralph Wedgewood, in 1806, came up the idea of a piece of paper when written over or struck with the newly invented typewriter would produce an image. It went relatively unnoticed and underused until a young entrepreneur named Lebbeus H. Rogers saw it being used by the Associated Press to copy stories they were reporting on in the field. He saw how it worked and had a vision that it would sell to virtually every office in America, and his risk taking took it to become a staple in virtually every business up though the late 1970’s.

I tell you this history for two reason, first to give you an understanding of what a carbon copy is ( a copy made with the use of carbon paper), but secondly and vastly more importantly is the message that the ability to use an idea or invention is the much more valuable than the invention itself. As you find your way through business and life the ability to build on the ideas of others is the key to success. Very little is really accomplished without the vision of application of ideas of others.

Back to the story…I’m not really certain how the carbon copy usage got shorten to a notation at the bottom of letters as ‘cc’, but I am fairly certain that it was a lawyer who came up with the idea of adding a “b” to the”cc” for blind carbon copy. I’m fairly certain because who else other than a lawyer would come up with sending correspondence intended and implied as confidential to a third party with the implied, “shh don’t let the sap know I’m sending this to you”, notation.

This may imply that I have dislike or disrespect for lawyers, and for the most part this would be untrue. What I have observed is that some of the most outstanding people I know are lawyers, and some of the sleaziest people I know are lawyers- it is a profession which can inspire the best or worse in the people whom choose it. In this case I believe it was one of the sleazy type that added that first bcc to the first letter.

Many things in life are exclusionary; clubs, universities,and religions are just among a few. Yet few would consider it wrong for a university to set a SAT/ACT score requirement, the exclusion is part of a sorting process that establishes what the University is to the outside world. Its when exclusionary acts become cruel or socially bias that exclusionary act become evil.

You will undoubtly have a roommate in college whom at times you will love and at time you will hate. Living with someone or next to someone is never a situation where it is all good or all bad. Many times you will go with that roommate to a movie or party and share the experience with them, but occassionally you will want to go without them. Not because there is a problem, just because you need space and want to be with other people. In those situations the healthy thing to do is to say to them you’d like to do this without them. Of course if you invite everyone else on the dorm floor but them, or have a party right down the hall the exclusion will become hurtful, but if handled directly and gracefully they will understand.

The bcc is like telling your roommate you are going to the library, then sneaking down the hall to a friends party. It sort of says that not only do you not want them to be included but you think so little of them that you don’t think they would be able to handle the truth. You will find in life that both types of lies, lies of fact and lies of omission, cause hurt. Truth is often hard to deal with when presented in your life, but never causes the damage that lies cause.

The receiver of the letter or email from you thinks that all correspondence is confidential regardless if marketed that way, there is just an expection of trust. I’ve seen incidents in business where the bcc was used on correspondence that is marked confidential to the receiver, and in these cases I seldom do business with the sender again. As you build business and personal relationships the element of trust is paramount above all other issues to see that the relationship continues. Although it is possible to repair trust violations, it requires significant effort and commitment to regain a lost trust.

Society condones a lot of negative behavior by making it accessible, and rationalizing it as serving a need. In Louisiana you can still drive up to a bar and get a red bull and vodka for $6.00 through a drive-in window. But just because there is a want, and a willing consumer doesn’t make the behavior safe or healthy. Just because the bcc exists doesn’t make its use right.

I recommend that the bcc be both a practical lesson, and a reminder for your decisions in life. Regardless of what others do, or what others make possible for you to do, you should be guided by two thoughts. First, we should treat others as we wish to be treated. Second, you shouldn’t be guided by decisions in a search for right or wrong, but rather in a quest to do the healthy thing for yourself and others. Right and wrong can be really hard to figure out, but genrally if you ask yourself, ” is this healthy?”, the answer is pretty clear.

Nbcc: to anyone

RULE #24: Eat Dinner as a family

My father traveled a great deal when I was young, but when he was in town we always ate dinner as a family.  I don’t recall many of the meals but I can fondly remember hundreds of the conversations. Sometimes my parents would quiz me on the World Capitals or some sort of trivia, which often deteriorated rapidly to a game of “Stump the Dad”. My father never lacked an answer to a question and generally answered with such certainty that you too would believe the Capital of Switzerland was Zurich, until you could find an encyclopedia to prove him wrong.  And even after that definitive proof was presented he would argue that we were using a 1968 edition of the Britannia and it changed in early 1969, he would say this so convincingly that even now I’m not certain.

I don’t think he would have been as effective in his arguements today with everyone armed with an internet rifle at hand , but I am certain that his arguements would be sound reasonable and his bluff would still fool you most of the time.

These exchanges at the table remain with me more clearly than any trip, event or milestone- they were truly fun.

I believe that these discussions caused me to develop a strong sense of identity and worth, I knew I had a voice and my parents helped me find it. OK, I’ll say it because I know you are thinking it, I also know it helped me develop my own version of b-s that has aided me in everything from dating to business sales. I think I would do fairly well convincing a randomly selected group of people that Zurich was the capital of Switzerland as well.  If it weren’t for this important skill Bobbi would have become bored with me and never married me, it is the lost art of conversation. ( or B-s)

There is something magical that happend in the dialog that occurs at the dinner table. The converstaions  tells everyone that you have your own thoughts, and the forum of a friendly family helps reinforce those the feelings of worth.

When you get in the habit of sharing your accomplishments, discovery and sometimes pain with your family your existence becomes much more than just being there, you are transcended to being fully engaged in life.

I know my habit of going around the table and asking each of you “what one thing exciting happened to you today”, truly annoys you at times. I’m really trying to let you understand that your existence matters- that you were here and we care about what happened. This may sound silly to you right now, but many people go through life with the sadness of thinking what they did during the day didn’t really matter.  I can’t fix that for others. but at least the kingdom of the Hill house  we are going to know that a least something you did that day mattered to someone.

I know there were many times when I or Bobbi asked what happen to you, you were not interested in sharing anything. In those times we talked about what you studied in science or even what you eat at lunch. It really didn’t matter what did matter was you. Your voice counted.

As you grow older and start your own families and own traditions I ask you to consider this tradition. Our lives were hetic  and could only do the complete family dinner 4 or 5 times a week, but I don’t regret one late dinner waiting for someone from sports, work or school. What I do regret is every missed opportunity  I had to do this as a family. Of all the things we have done as a family I can think of none that are as meaningful or impactful each of us. It is a tradition worth preserving.

Even when we went on cruises or family vacations the dinners we would have on the trips were the most important, they were the moments that made the times special.

As a culture we are drifting every year towards less and less personal communication. ( see future rule #144: Don’t break up by text). It is too easy to hide behind a TV, IPhone or IPad and reduce interpersonal communications to a series of witty texts written with lightening fast thumb speed.

Often in our family discussions the political debates would rage on at polar opposites of the political spectrum, with very little common ground of opinion. But the forum of discussion allowed us to understand that we can see things very differently in the world but still see clearly the love for each other as part of the family. I know Matthew will never love W and I will never value Obama, but we respect each other more because we listened to each other, often at the family dinner table.

Follow the rule and make family dinner a place to safely have a voice.

By the way Bern is the capital of Switzerland. (look it up)

RULE #18: Learn to make pancakes

I know what your thinking, Dad’s lost it on this one, putting learning to make pancakes as a top 20 rule but I need you to hear me out.

There are only a couple foods that are truly a social food. Pancakes are extremely easy to make, yet somehow special because they don’t just come out of a box.

I have never offered to make pancakes with someone and have them respond in a negative way. It sort of like asking young kids “who wants to go to Disney World ” or a teenager ” who wants to drive the car”. You only get positive reactions when you suggest them, and even if they are decline just the offer makes people happy.

I think the base connection is because it is the perfect comfort food. It’s warm, sweet with the syrup, and it quickly fills the tummy – it tells the you by eating it the world can be a safe and happy place. The fact that it has a homemade feel makes the person receiving the invitation feel loved, it’s sends the message that you care enough to make something special for them.

I remember as a 9 year old going to my Aunt Skeets’ home in Virgina and watching in compete joy my older cousin Cathy help my Aunt make these wonderful disks. They would let me pour my own pancake, any size I wanted from sliver dollar to full plate size… It was my choice. It’s been more than 40 yrs and this food is linked as a fresh happy memory forever in my heart.

My advice is when you spend the first night with your true love in your apartment there is no better way to show how special they are than to have them find you with a warm skillet, a bowl of pancake batter and a bottle of syrup at the ready. It’s very hard for a woman to leave feeling unloved after this, regardless if you progressed to actually saying it out loud. I can also tell you that you regardless of the relationship your reputation grows when she goes back to her friends and ends the story with….”and then he made me pancakes”. ( see rule 22 for reference “all men are pigs”)               

I have also found as a husband there is no distance that has been placed between Bobbi and I by kids actvities, work demands or life’s general BS that can not be lessened by a warm plate of  pancakes delivered pillow side. They have save my butt on more than a few mornings.

Whenever I felt the family was being stressed by our schedules or outside influences I used the magic words..”breakfast for dinner” and would watch the healing begin. I would have all that were interested in helping measure, stir, pour or flip participate. Once they figured out they could make any shape they desired even them most disconnected teenager would come around and take their turn as a short order cook.

I have a strong preference for Bisquick mix pancakes over the the other brands not only because they taste better but because they require the addition of melted butter (optional- but never optional in a Hill household) and eggs. There is just something homemade about simple addition of two steps, and it also sends a non-verbal message to the recipients that they are worth the extra effort. The whole process slows down life and makes you and your fellow pancake-eaters take a deep breath and wait for the bubbles and just the hint of brownness on the edge before flipping.

I rank this rule as very high #18, yet it can seem so unimportant. You will find that as you read these rules there is a direct correlation between simplicity and ranking. I have found few things as powerful of a tool to start a dialog, build a bridge or simply say “hey, I remember you, I love you” than the humble pancake.

In life the greatest truths are not hidden to us, they are right in front of us like a short stack of pancakes covered with butter and surup, we just need to open our eyes to them. Yum-mm