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As your father I think the greatest disservice I have done for your futures is to not teach you the way to live cheap.

By living cheap I have to turn first to my parents who understood the concept very well.

Both my Mom and Dad grew up poor. With my Dad being raised by an aunt and uncle while your great grandmother recovered for 7 years from TB, and my Mom was raised by an aunt and Uncle after the death of her mother and the abandonment by her father as an infant. Both grew up in world where luxuries were few and far between.

Your grandfather living on $90 a month from the GI bill to put himself through Drexel while working as a bail bondsman at night. He did cheap to a whole new level- but graduated with no scholarships, no grants and no debt. He at times lived in an old store front and one room and in a  boarding house- Grand-pop understood cheap.

He worked as an engineer and still lives in the same 1,100 square foot, 1 1/2 bathroom house that he bought in 1960 for $10,000.  Throughout my entire childhood I never wanted for anything, had a great education and never went to sleep without being well fed or woke up without having good clothes to wear. By the standards of my youth I felt wealthy and lucky.

I did however clearly understand the rules, my allowance of $1.00 a week ended when I was 16 and could get a job. I never would have dreamt to ask when I walked through Sears ( Obviously in 1968 Sears had a lot different cache then it does now) for a toy or even a new shirt. There was a sort of implied acceptance to the way things were, and a satisfaction with having what we perceived as so much.

When I graduated college in 1981 I faced what Andrew and Matthew face today, a dismal economy. It was an economy where only with my Dad’s help I was able to secure an entry level underwriting job at $13,500 year, and felt like I had died and gone to heaven. Of course it wasn’t much money, but I worked nights setting up shelves at the newly opening Toys R Us’ and at a Frog Hollow Tennis club as a desk clerk to save enough money to live on my own, and eventually get married.

I remember very clearly shopping for groceries at the old Montgomeryville mart ( I can not adequately explain to you what this place was like- but to help with the image it was a low end farmers market with strip club, aptly named Mickey’s Mouse, attached) because you could get the off brand and just expired food cheap. Trying to make money last the month was critical.

I also remember the joy when I qualified for a Sears card. At the time I couldn’t begin to dream that one day I would own a American Express or MasterCard, but that $300 limit on the Sears card allowed me to charge own first christmas tree and stand along with all the Christmas shopping I needed. In very simple terms I learned to live very cheap.

Fortunately I found a field that I excelled at early on it life. I received steady promotions and raises in the 1980’s and by the time you were all born were were moderately affluent. In your lifetimes I was always able to get you more than what you needed and often get you most of what you wanted. It wasn’t a sense that we were spoiling you, but we never gave you the value, confidence and pride that comes from living very cheaply.

Don’t get me wrong, I never came from the school of thought that it was my moral obligation to get you a new car when you turned 16. But you did manage to get cars with Bobbi and my help, and the help of your grandfather and aunt. But you have all have gotten far more than my father thought possible for his grandchildren.

The standards of survival have shifted in less than 50 years from ones where a warm room and some food was living well to where lack of cable TV and air conditioning is considered sub-human living standards. And this shift has occurred because parents kept raising the standards and expectations of the children.

It may seem I am writing about not being spoiled, but this isn’t the point at all.  Because spoiled would imply an expectation or ungraitfulness, neither of which I believe exists within you. But rather it is a lack of preparation for life as it really exists.

The reality is that affluence of our times has caused us to lose an essential skill-living cheap. There is cocky confidence that comes from knowing that you can start with virtually nothing and not only survive but rebuild.  It is a confidence that stays with you your whole life that says even if life’s misfortunes such as, a divorce, illness, stock market crash etc.  occur you can survive and rebuild.

Personally I have made millions and lost millions through business ownerships, followed by divorce and stock collapse. There were times when I had enough money to last the rest of my life, followed by times where I barely had enough money to last the month. And through these ebbs and flows of financial success I had the model of my father and mothers responses to adversity to be a guide for me. I always knew that life’s success was far from a guarantee, and that rebuilding from set backs was part of the game.

I see many of my peers face these same setbacks and fall apart and give up. I see many in the generation that followed me  looking for guarantees and to have failures of smoothed out by legal actions, government intervention, debt or parental support. I think much of this is caused by two influences from your parents; the expectation that life will always be fair, and the lack of ability to survive at a much lower income.

The Greatest Generation is a term used describe the generation who grew up in the the deprivation of the Great Depression, and then went on to fight in World War II. This generation had nothing material, and were fighting to keep the one thing they knew they owned- the freedom and opportunity to create their own future.

My Generation is referred to a Baby Boomers, is best characterized by the desire to challenge traditional values and roles, and to grab as much of the new affluence of the 50’s-90’s as possible. We instilled in you our children a high sense of self esteem and worth, but glossed over the survival skills necessary to survive what life really has in store for you. We told everyone they were winners, but didn’t prepare anyone to be able to come back from a loss.

You will in your life time face financial ruin at least 2 or 3 times, maybe more often, but unlikely less. And each time you stare down the cliff of bankruptcy you must be able to look over the edge and march back with confidence to success. You will likely see periods of major economic upheaval, as well as the personal crisis of job loss or business failure. Failure is as much part of life as success- its not something that should be feared, it just is something that is.

Learn to live cheap! Save money, and wait on things you want and assess what you really need.

Used furniture, macaroni and cheese and basic cable are all God’s gifts to tell life that you are in control and that nothing it can dish out to you will take away your joy. There is a pride that comes from knowing that you can survive if everything is taken away.

 The smirk of confidence you need in life comes from the certainty that you need none of the extras to be happy, that you know not only what it takes to win, but more importantly what it takes to re-build.

Rule #121: Buy and Read Books

Today Borders Books filed for bankruptcy. They may restructure their debt and come out of it. or they may just die like so many other book stores have.

Writing a entry blog on a web site might seem to be an odd forum for the dissemination of a rule designed to encourage my children to read and own books. In many way my use of this electronic medium may be seen as a  contributing cause of the death of the the print media. But I argue that the exchange of ideas in a blog, and all other electronic media including the ebook format, is much different experience than reading the printed word.

When noted fictional ghost hunter Dr. Egon Spengler said in 1984, “print is dead” he may have been warning us of the days of ebooks, ipads and the blogosphere. All the statistics point to a sharp decline in printed matterial over the last 5 years, while at the same time there is an ever increasing rise of content from electronic media.

In the 1993 Jurassic Park movie the mathamitican Dr. Ian Malcom tried to describe what was wrong with using the science of genics to create dinosaurs;

“I’ll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you’re using here: it didn’t require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn’t earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don’t take any responsibility… for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could and before you even knew what you had you patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox ”

The problem with my chosen media is the same as Dr. Malcom described,  it is too easy and too accessible, it requires no forethought or consideration. You have a thought….boom.. 2 minutes later you publish it.

I think only in the 1440’s when Johannes Gutenberg rolled off the printed word from his movable type printing press has the world seen such a rapid change in speed, quantity and quality of human expressions. And I’m sure there was a balding 50 yr old monk complaining to all that would listen that the loss of the hand written word would cheapen the product, and I’m pretty sure his name was Bob.

But since I wasn’t that Bob in 1440 I couldn’t have argued for the preserving of the art of beautiful books, but I can argue for the preserving and continuance of books now.

There is something almost magical, and at minimum artistic, about the process of bringing thoughts through the process that leads to the final published book.  When the thoughts are bound between covers it feels to me like a frame around a beautiful piece of art. Like with paintings there is little that can not be reproduced cheaper and with better image quality on a computer format, but the crudeness of the artist canvas and the printed word of the both have the feeling that its truly man-made, and personal.

It’s that personal touch that has made books some of the best gifts to give and receive. I encourage you to experience the joy of walking through a Boarders( if they continue to exist) and searching for a book that fits the personality, interests and sometimes the needs of the intended receiver. The whole process connects you more deeply with that person. Some of the most remarkable gifts I have seen given my life time were books, including Matthew’s last past Christmas gift to Bobbi of an early edition of the Wizard of Oz. I’m not sure if he was telling her that she was Glenda the Good Witch or Elphaba the Wicked Witch, but either way the gift told her that she was loved. Giving thoughtful books remain an affordable means to connect with others in a real way.

Of course the true purpose of a book is to read it. In interviewing literally thousands of people over the years there has been no better questions that I could ask a potential employee than “what are you reading now”, and “what’s your favorite book”. I have found that more than assessing college transcripts or work experience the way people answer this question tells me a lot about who they are a people. And I know with certainty regardless of the level of higher education obtained, the more they read the more valuable they were to me as an employee.

I have also noticed an interesting part of reading,  it doesn’t really matter what you read as long as you read a lot. I’ve worked with people that spent a year reading nothing but trashy vampire romance novels and other that read nothing but self-help books, and each seem to grow from the experience. It may seem that learning the characteristics of the modern American blood sucker would offer very little to offer a business, except of course if you were a divorce law firm, but I have found people take from books what they need. My advice is to read a variewty of books by a variety of authors. I have found that its sort of like a good diet, if all you eat is chicken nuggets and coke it will eventually catch up with you, variety is the secret to successful reading.

Kids as I said at the on sought of this blog the purpose was to leave you with what ever wisdom, or at least the random thoughts, that I have accumulated in my life. In a sense it was about creating some sort of legacy or tradition. I would be proud if each of you tried, at least some of the time to make book giving  a family tradition.

But of course a new Harley isn’t a bad gift too.

RULE #112: Not everyone gets a trophy

In  recent blog and comment exchange with Matthew I was reminded of a serious issue which I believe as adults you will need to take a stand. The issue that caused the discussion was which actor was the best Bond in the James Bond series of movies. I made my plea for Sean Connery for the obvious reasons of character fit and overall acting, but Matthew countered that each Bond bought their own uniqueness to the character and should be embraced for their approach. I countered that this was a selection of the “Best” in the series and not the an awarding of effort trophies to each of the actors.

I blame Jimmy Carter.

I think next to the Presidency of Jimmy “I struck a deal with North Korea” Carter the greatest failure of the mid 1970’s was the rise of the practice of parents of Generation Y (people born between 1978-1990, basically you my children) to find a way to spare hurt feelings in almost all forms of competition. I personal think its the same conditions that allowed the country to elect a peanut farmer from Georgia President of the United States that helped create this every one’s a winner philosophy.

It started in small ways on the soccer fields across America where slowly the rules that guaranteed equal playing time in the youth training leagues changed to not keeping score, to awarding everyone on the team, every team gets a trophy.

I get that self esteem is critical element to success in life, and that we should encourage everyone to find things within themselves to be proud of, but lowering the bar so that everyone can step over it isn’t the solution. This slow eroding of standards are seen throughout our school systems where our test scores fall further and further behind counterparts in China and Japan, while spending more and more per student. We have built a system over the last decade if a student answers the question 4 x 4 with 17 we give them partial credit for using a pencil correctly, and for getting pretty damn close to the right answer. Our standards lowered to meet our performance.

Penn Jillet, the Las Vegas entertainer, describes this as trend as the”self-esteem movement”.  It centers on the idea that if we think we are all better, we will all become better.

In the movie ” The Music Man”, professor Harold Hill ( no relation to us, and thus no royalties in the future inheritance-sorry) uses the “think method” to train the children’s band to learn to play an instrument. The result is a very crudely sounding band that the family members of the children embrace as real music. He basically was proving that if you say bull crap long enough and with enough passion people will start believing it as fact.

I think there are incidents where the  participant warrants recognition and praise. For example if a child with a development disability completes a run, or participates in an event, the just participation is worthy of both trophies and praise. Or if a person makes a goal to complete a marathon or other major event the completion itself would be worthy of recognition. But these incidents, which are obvious exceptions to the negative nature of the self-esteem movement are often used to justify the movement itself. The reality is that the world of in general does not need to be taken down to a level of participation trophies, because most of us are capable of far more then just showing up.

I am proud of each of you for character you have each shown and the accomplishments you have done. In your lives each of you have done things which I believe are “trophy worthy” but you don’t do them everyday and on every task.

Frankly as a businessman, husband and father I have failed far more often than I succeeded. In my lifetime I think there will be less than a dozen accomplishments or events worthy of note by others, and I consider myself a very confident person. The rareness of these events are what makes them special, and if everytime a sold an account or hired a new employee I was waiting for a trophy and applause from my co-workers it would make it all cheap and important.

I encourage you to praise and support your childern. Be there at all events, tell them to push harder and dream bigger. But don’t tell them that greatness is found in showing up- make sure they know that it is found in deeds and accomplishments that our truly worthy.

And above all tell them not to grow up like Jimmy Carter.

RULE#22: Never bring a knife to a gun fight

As everyone in my family knows this is one of my favorite expressions. It is actually a derivation of a movie quote from 1987’s “The  Untouchables”.

“You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. ‘That’s’ the ‘Chicago’ way!”

It has been reworked in the urban dictionary landscape to something approaching my use of the expression.

“Never bring a knife to a gun fight”

Although this may have a violent application by Officer Malone in the movie the uses I have found for are much broader. In the movie Malone, played by Sean Connery, is trying to convince a young Elliot Ness that winning in a world where the odds are stacked against you will require you do something to change those odds.

As an important but off topic aside, Sean Connery is the only legitimate James Bond. No one before him or since has been able to capture the cocky self confidence of his James Bond.

Sons, what the old James Bond movies ( in particular 1964’s Goldfinger) shows you is the secret of what women truly want. It has very little to do with his appearance or toughness, it has to do with a certain swagger of confidence that can not be faked. Women in general, in my modest opinion, want a man who walks into a room and knows exactly where he is going and exactly what he wants. If you want to know what that self confidence looks like watch “Goldfinger”

OK back to the fight…

The rule has to do with more knowing what the game is before you begin to play it.

In your lives you will be faced with many challenges from finding a job, to raising children to purchasing a home, each and everyone of these challenges will require you to follow this rule.

I have interviewed hundreds of people for jobs over the years. Some have not shaved, some have worn inappropriate clothes ( no  Matthew, a colorful slogan tee shirt is not appropriate in all occasions) or known nothing about the company or position they were interviewing. Clearly in these cases they came to the interviews with knives and left with the gaping gun shot wound of rejection. They stand in sharp contrast to the rare gun slinger candidate who is loaded with knowledge about the company and a professional appearance.

This rule is designed to help remind you to not go a date, an interview, into a meeting or major purchase without first assessing the situation , preparing for the situation and then executing.

Joe Paterno, the patron saint of college football, said, “The will to win is important, but the will to prepare is vital.”

This idea is so central to my core belief about success that I had it written on the conference room of my company’s training room. I originally wanted to use this rule on the wall, but thought that JoePa’s quote would require less explanationand offend less NRA opponents.

Kids the key part of the rule is as simple as it is important. If you go into every situation not as just with a rah-rah ” I’m a winner and I’m going to win” type of mantra but rather with the Sean Connery swagger of knowing that you have a fully loaded Walther PPK in your pocket your probability of success goes up dramatically.

RULE # 37: THE TWO CAT RULE

If you are going to write a blog eventually there will be a moment when you will offend people. I’m starting with this rule to take the suspense of waiting for that moment. Contained within this rule are comments that will offend some cat owners, some women and some people. But if I am going to lose readership I might was well do it early in the process to keep my focus on my intended audience my children.

This rule is focused on helping my sons, but I think Abby and Rachel can learn a bit from the rule as well when the time is necessary.

This rule is not being about  a “cat person” or a “dog person”, because you kids know that our entire family are “dog people” (and should remain so for many generations, and I intend to haunt the first great grand child how is not) . Its not that we have a disdain for cats, its just that they have an inherent creepiness likey caused by their staunch independence.

I also think my feelings for cats stem from my love about the jokes surrounding them. One of my personal favorites ( of the PG13 versions) is:

“A little girl cried. Daddy, Daddy Fluffy is dead. That’s OK dear. Fluffy has gone to Heaven to be with God. What would God want with a dead cat?”

But I digress, this rule isn’t about cats its about the importance of selecting a good mate.

Most of the happiest people I know have a life partner whom they love and share things with, and who helps them build relationships with friends and family rather than alienate people. The saddest people I know feel trapped in toxic relationships where their partner is not sharing the world with them and actually making them withdraw from the world.

When its right its golden, when its wrong its crap.

Selection of a dating partner is the key to success, because it is from the dating experience that you will select your eventual mate. Unless you use a mail order bride service, which I do not recommend.

During the dating process no matter how much you deny your baser elements you will be driven by appearance and sexual attraction beyond any other element. OK, you can intellectualize it and say its about “intelligence” and “personality” , but in the end your date selection is often driven by raw chemistry. Unfortunately this drive can sometimes put you on the crazy lane on the relationship expressway.

The erotic passions, impulsiveness and “free spirit” attitudes of many potential women to date make them seemly “fun” people filled with “life”. But often these women are the automobile wreaks on the expressway that cause us to slow down and stare as we go by. Often what attracts men isn’t the healthiest things but the coolest things. And unfortunately when you are in  the prime dating pool 19-28 yrs old you don’t have the life’s perspective to be able to sort the “fun and adventurous” from the ” dangerous and crazy”.

Impacting this selection process is the fact that all men are pigs. (I know there will be a future RULE for my girls based on this fact). I love you sons, but you like the entire male populations are pigs. Some men can control their pig-like qualities, and with maturity learn to channel them to respectful admiration of women. But in the prime dating year you will be driven by these less controlled and balanced urges and you will want to enjoy the fullness of life in a pig like way.

Although pigs are considered to be among the most intelligent creatures on the earth, they still eat garbage and willl mate with any sow that wanders into the pen. Pigs selection skills are extremely poor.

Sons you need a universal measure something to gage if the road is leading you to paradise or crazy town. You need to be able to evaluate the actions of your dating partner and be able to clearly say…this girl is whacked and I’m out of here.

That brings us back to the cats.

Many normal and stable women decide that they want a cat for companionship, often it is a kitten they had as a child. Occasionally these normal stable women feel a need for “Fluffy” to have a friend…and we are still clearly outside of Crazy-ville at this point

But the moment two cats become three, then four ,then five…crazy has arrived.

Yes, there are normal intelligent, non-crazy women with more than 2 cats in the world but my life’s experience has lead me to the conclusion that that the probably of non- crazy drops with cat ownership. Below is my estimate by number of cats:

•  < 1 cat                           Crazy probability  < 35%
•  1-2 cats                         Crazy probability  37%-40%
• 3 cats                              Crazy probability  84%
• 4 cats                              Crazy probability  90%
• > 5 cats                           Crazy probabilty  99%

As I said there are the exceptions to the rule, women with 4 cats who are perfectly normal, but this isn’t about finding a diamond in the sand it is about using the probabilities of dating to find a great life partner.

My rule is to compare everything you encounter with women you date with the “crazy meter” of the 2 cat rule.

Of course the obvious situation of walking into an apartment and finding 3 cats and feeding the 5 feral cats outside ( yes feral cats that she leaves food out for count too) is one you should run, not walk away from.

The challenge is to compare other actions and life choices to this standard. For example, if you date a woman and you find out that she has 10 piercings and tattoo of a satanic symbol on her thigh you should ask yourself is that crazier than owning 2 cats. To help you with this first example I will give you the answer…YES.

This rule is about selection, control and finding an ideal life partner.

Choose wisely sons, there will be few decisions as important in your lives.

In 2010 I turned 50 years old. In the past year I have learned two very important lessons:

1. I will not live forever.

2. Knees and other major body parts are only guaranteed through the first 50 year

It’s sort of like when my first car, a 1971 Buick Riviera, hit 100,000 miles it didn’t instantly die but just slowly fell apart. I think the 100k mark in domesticated males may be 50 yrs, but after that they either become well cared for classics or rust buckets. I personally plan to be the former, but understand that replacement parts will be harder to find and much more expensive as the years go by.

I want to be clear on the onset of this blog, I intend to live forever.

But my intentions have sometimes been much different then my reality. I intended to be retired and enjoying a life of leisure and travel by 50, although my reality is much better, it is much different than I expected when I was 30. So in a very real way this blog represents an insurance policy against my expectation of immortality and whatever reality life extends to me.

The audience this blog is aimed at is my children.

I have a lot of them 6- ages 8 through 23 at this writing. Some of my blog entries will targeted at a particular child ( named or unnamed), some at the boys, some at the girls, and some generally at all of them. These blogs are written to them and for them, and if others either enjoy them or are offended by them it is an untended consequence of my main mission of sharing my life’s lessons with my children.

Three thoughts about format.

My entries are Rules that I have learned about life. I’ve named the blog the “2 Cat Rule” after rule number # 37 , and a personal favorite. I don’t know how many Rules there will be in tota. I am numbering them in importance from 1 to 1000. But reserve the right to use sub-parts (for example #42c) when I want to expand on a prior rule or just squeeze a rule in between #52 and #53.  I am not going in number order because I rarely think in order of priority, rather my thoughts are more random muses on life’s lessons as they are reveled to me or more accurately as I remember to write them down.

There will be a natural curiosity about what the # 1 rule is, and so not to over-promise I want to state right now I do not intend to release the # 1 rule till after my death ( should the immortality thing not work out). I know what that number rule is and have in fact written it. Hopefully it will be revealed through the many other rules, but for now I can only say that it is the guiding principal to my life and one which needs to be understood with the reflection my entire life.

I am one of the worst spellers and editors in the world. I have often found it possible to spell a word 2 or 3 different ways in a single project- I do not anticipate this project being different. You will get my points, and if an incorrect application of the English language annoys you I encourage you to make edits and submit your changes in triplicate to my blog email at Dad@2catrule.com. I intend to ignore them and make no edits, but if it brings you happiness please send your suggestions.

A couple final thoughts on this introduction.

I have been truly blessed by having children who make me proud everyday. I could not be more grateful for not only having great kids but having a loving partner in Bobbi  with whom to share them. God has been very good to me- and I need you understand before I enter the first Rule that my love for you each individually and as a family is my defining life experience. It is the thing that makes me want to live forever.

I hope you laugh and learn from my thoughts and rules, but most of all I want you to understand how much you are loved.

And with that in mind…..