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Rule# 67: Do Good by Doing Good

This is an unusual rule and blog posting because unlike my other posts it has been inspired by questions that I am struggling with more than answers to life challenges. So this rule may be redefined over time, and you may be big part how it it’s defined.

I have found if you strive in life to accumulate possessions, the pursuit rapidly becomes shallow and empty.

Don’t get me wrong I like things. Cars, motorcycles, homes, vacations…conspicuous consumption has never been a challenge for me. And I like money.

There’s a line in the movie ” The Wedding Singer” that defines my thoughts on money….”I’m a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I’d like to put more in that jar. ..”

But although I’m definitely a fan of money, I found it disappointing in providing happiness. Its sort of like being an fan of the Philadelphia Eagles, short moments of happiness at wins, followed by long periods of sadness.

What I have learned that when you spread money around by investment into charities and businesses the returns are felt in sustainable happiness.  Wealth, true wealth comes from creation of good things – it is much easier and far more rewarding to get rich while engaged in good things than just engaging.

I think its important that you begin the habit of tying your work in helping others as soon as you possibly can- tiding both your time and money to project in the service of others is a habit worth developing.

Yes, it can be tied to church, because good churches are great at identifying those with needs and connecting them with people with ability. But, it can be as simple as picking up a extra couple of can goods for a food bank with your weekly shopping- being engaged in the process of giving gives your life purpose

And it builds you financial wealth. And I’m talking about real bottom-line dollars, not just good feeling and warm glows of happiness.

It builds wealth because companies with good purposes attract good people who want more than a job, they want to be with a company that is trying to do something special.  A good committed team will make you rich.

Good attracts Good.

In a cynical world good people find “good works” attractive and want to be near people that do them. It builds trust, and trust yields better business relationship and ultimately makes your more money. Doing good work is good for business.

Bobbi and I have strived to select one or two charities a year to help through our own efforts and the efforts of our companies. We have found having this philosophy have attracted other investors/ partners whom share this same desire to do something meaningful with the work of the company. It attracts customers and quickly builds trust with the company as we are established as a positive company.

I’ve struggled with the concept doing this charity work while knowing it was making us more successful- Its sort of using charity work to build a positive brand.  I’m not sure if it makes what we do less worthy, because we do it knowing it will help our businesses.

It is not a quid pro quo thing, but rather a understanding of the idea of positive actions produce positive results. It isn’t an expectation of re-payment but more the idea that positive Karma is good business.

The best advice in business I ever received was when I was 22 and working for Gerry Stafford at Hanover. He has in his 60’s and ending his career, and is advice was:

” show up on time, do what your suppose to do, be happy about it and try to make people you work with feel happy about working with you”

Not rock science, but its simplicity is overlooked by many people, the idea of being happy doing what your doing is the key success.

Doing good things for others when you are feeling frustrated or overwhelmed with a particular project clears your mind and often leads you to a see a solution you have never seen before. The clarity of thought that comes to you while engaged in working on someone else’s problem is amazing. Solution appear where you never expected them to be, while engaged in entirely unrelated activity.

Nothing kills your chances in business as much as being a victim or being consumed by your own business difficulties. It creates a negative energy, that while it may attract attention, it is all the wrong type of attention. Positive focus on other people’s problems is the solution to breaking the cycle of negativity. Charitable works connected directly to business success is a powerful way of breaking the negativity- and making your business career much more positive.

You will encounter challenges to your efforts as other see hidden motivation or negative in the good things that you try to do. And occasionally people that you are trying to help will disappoint you by not using the money as you had intended or act as if you efforts are  all only self serving.

I encountered one challenge yesterday with the Kickstarter project I have connected to this blog which was designed use a book to help raise money for Autism advocacy and research. I initially proposed using Autism Speaks, one of the largest national Autism focused charities.

Unfortunately I’ve learned from several emails that Autism Speaks may have strayed from its original purpose and may be pursuing projects which have much more negative aspects than positive ones. I’m not sure if these allegations are real or not, but a minimum they are troubling.

I’ve decided to not focus on the negative energy but to focus on the positive experience of using a blog to develop a book to help raise money for an important cause. And open up the discussion to you my readers for advice as to which Autism Charities have the best positive energy. I’m not excluding Autism Speaks, but rather looking for positive experiences with them or other organizations.

Matthew ( my son) has done some initial research that pointed to Doug Flutie’s charity based in New England- its small but seems to have great ratings. He’s continuing to give me good p0stive suggestions.

I’m asking for that positive guidance from you in the form of emails or comments. I promise I will listen and use the information to guide us to the right charity. I know many of you can share negative stories about Autism Speaks, but I can find all that negative information on a simple Google search. What I need is to understand who’s doing it right, in the right way.

Help me to make this rule better defined by your approach and your comments. I appreciate all you interest, and promised to keep focused on the positive.

Why my sudden interest in having my blog subscribers joining twitter?

No, its not part of my world domination plan or a tricky internet scheme to steal your credit card information ( although both plans are in full force, ready to launch as soon as I get enough yellow cake and paperclips).

No, this plan is about Abby and trying to make a positive difference in her life and the lives of others effected with autism and related conditions.

Its about me worrying…

I worry mostly about how unkind the world is to people that are different. I worry that as Abby enters first her teenage years, and then adulthood that she will find a world that is less accepting of her uniquiness than our family and our friends.

I am learning about social media slowly, much more slowly than my children. They see me struggling with the power of blogs, facebook and twitter and look at me the same way as I looked at my Dad refusing to use a cellphone till his late 70’s. I’m not good at it, but understand the power that lies within it.

One particular website kickstarter.com grabbed my attention about a year ago, and saw this was a cool way of using crowd sourcing and social media to fund small projects that could make big differences. It inspired me.

I’ve been writing this blog for 2 years are have received a lot of positive feedback. The feedback made me question how can I use this positive energy to help my daughter?- and from this thought sprung the idea of using- social media, this blog and kickstarter to do something really cool ( I’m 53 I use the word cool a lot – sorry)

With the help of the entire family on video development, site launch and promotion I believe we can bring the small ideas of this blog to impact the world in a larger way.

This project in entirely non-profit, its intended to raise enough money to launch the book and cover production costs and produce money for Autism Charities. Money to help with the awareness of Autism and help people with it overcome their special challenges of life.

So 1,000 books @ $10 each ( donations to Autism Speaks) will raise $10,000 for this important work.

BUT sometimes as rule #13 says..its not about the money.

What I’m hoping to raise is much more important than money, it is awareness.  It is the hope that the entire process from this blog, to the kickstarter program, to a social media promotion and the book we make a wide audience aware that we need to help protect those that are special.  Sort of bubble-wrapping them with the kindness of  the many.

So that brings us to twitter.

I believe if we get several hundred twitter followers engaged in the process that combined with the blog and kickstarter will raise social media buzz levels to make this project as success…but we need followers to get noticed.

I know many of my friends do not have twitter accounts- like me they are in the dark ages of facebook and trying to get the 12:00 programmed off our VCRs. But I know my friends are smart, and with a little effort, patience and help from their children can set up an account and become a follower.

It will cost you nothing, no credit card or blood test is involved. Just a simple set up a twitter account so you can follow the project .

I think being part of this project will mean something good to the world, it may be a very small thing- but its will make a difference.

Thank you for all your support of the blog and my silly rules.

Please follow us on Twitter.

This one is for Abby.

 Rule # 45:  Showing up on time matters

” 80% of success is showing up” – Woody Allen

” Showing up on time is 100%”- Dad

Every morning  I wake up at the same time 6:05am,  seven days week- 365 days a year.

My process at this stage in my life is to go to whoever  needs to be awoke for school, work or activity and turn on a light and tell you to get moving. Next are the dogs, whom are more realiable then me, waiting to be let out and fed.

Whenever you have traveled with me you have realized how obessive I am about getting to where I need to get on time. If we are due for an dentist appointment and we are running 10 minutes late it feels like my heart is coming out of my chest- because being late just seems wrong to me.  I’m not sure how it got instilled into me, or why the anxiety is so strong when time is taken lightly, but I do know as a rule showing up – and showing up on time matters.

When I’m late for a reservation at the Olive Garden and having a minor stroke about it, you think I’m crazy,  you think- who cares when we get there, the food will still be there.

BUT…I have figured out why it matters.

First is that time demands respect.  You may be able to pretend it doesn’t matter, or that you are in control of how you treat time- but time has a way of flexing its muscles and showing you who’s boss.

Maybe it will be in simple early ways by getting demerits for being late and having to go to detentions to teach you its value.

Maybe it will be in you first lituarture class in college where the paper you have been puttting off since the second week of class is now due in 14 hours. Those 14 hours will make you know that you’re time’s bitch.

It could be when you start you first job and show up a couple minutes late each day because everyone else isn’t on time, and you are singled out and reminded that the raises and promotions will be hard to come by if you treat time with disrespect.

You could stubbornly ignore all these demands for respect and pretend that they are arbitary standards of people that don’t know how to keep time in check.  But there will come a day when your rushing to the hospital to see someone you love, before they die, and realize that every moment stuck at a red light, time is mocking you and reminding you that it is in charge, not you.

Time will demand its respect from you, and the more you ignore it the more clearer time will make its importance known.

Second, time is valuable, prehaps the most valuable thing that you can give or receive.

When  Stephen was growing up I’d always ask him what he wanted for his birthday- and he’d always answer, “a day with you”. I don’t know how he became so wise about time at such an early age- but I realized from his requests how hard it was to find and give time, and how valuable it was for both of it when it was shared. He valued time fishing, bowling or golfing more than anything else I could give him – and in return I got the gift from him to understand how valuable time is with someone.

As I have grown older I find myself asking for it more myself.

Time with Bobbi, time with the kids, time with friends all seem to mean so much more than anything else I can own or want.  And each year the value has increase far faster than any investment I have made, it seems to be a logmatic cruve of value, doubling with each moment that is lost to time.

Finally, time defines us.

When others reflect on your life the most common thing that will be discussed is how you managed time, and if you showed up on time.

Yes, there will be people that tell stories about how you thrived at work, or achieved amazing accomplishments in seemly no time.

But the stories that will matter will be the ones that say, yes he was there where I needed him and when I needed him. He showed up at the right time.

As I was growing up and the 60’s generation was rationalizing less time on kids and family and more time on “me” things, the common expression was “quality time”. That quanity didn’t matter but it was the quality of time that matters. Basically I felt this was all “I’m ok, you’re ok” crap, I always thought is was a way of allivating guilt through rationalizing  less time.

Let’s face it no one can be at every game, at every presentation and at every important life’s moment – you will have to make choices. But being where you need to be when you need to be there is everything- the priorities you set, the time choices you make will define who you are as a person.

How you use time will be the source of your greatest regrets in life.

Yes, you will have regret – and it will all be about time ( most of the real regret doesn’t hit you till about 50- that and long hairs from you nose and ears)

Regret is realizing you had the time to be where you should have been, but just didn’t show up on time.

Avoid it- it never goes away. Show up on time.

Rule #15- Build a Legacy

” The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit”, Nelson Henderson

I had an amazing experience this past week witnessing the wake and funeral of my first cousin Dee Vaughn. The experience has made me reflect on the role of one’s legacy should have in the way you live your life, and she inspired this rule.

As context I have to first say I have not been a very involved cousin or relative to my extended family. First because I was a very quirky kid, chubby and awkward, I never really seem to connect well with others in my family as a child. And second  because I made bad choices in my first marriage that lead to me being distant from not only my extended family but my own parents. This was not the fault of my ex-wife, but rather the failure of myself to act to develop and protect these important relationships regardless of my  marriage. I regret these lost years with my family, and particularly because  I know that my Mother who passed away in 2000 would have wanted them nurtured and developed.

Fortunately though the love and support of Bobbi I was able to re-build a deep relationship with my father and build strong relationships with friends and her family. It was through her teaching me how to connect in a more present way and I have been able to build what I have failed at in other aspects of my life.

Bobbi as you all know is not a shy person, and is not a person you can push aside ( nobody puts Baby or Bobbi in the corner). It is her steadfast belief that family is most important that helped me begin to heal some the things I had damaged in my life. I still have much to do, but know that change is possible. Bobbi has taught me this through her unconditional love.

So,  because of all this I have failed to remain close to my Mom’s family despite having a real admiration for the love the that Mulligan clan have shown each other over the years. Sadly, in the hectic days of raising six kids one of the few times I have been able to check in and connect with my family is during funerals. It is through these passings I see glimpses of the lives my relatives have lead, I see their legacy.

Dee did it the right way.

Never of woman of significant financial means,  she connected with thousands of people through everyday interactions. She made herself a positive force through simply remaining positive. Accepting and caring, she touched people in real ways that most of us don’t experience- it makes the encounters with people like Dee exceptional.

In understanding her legacy it is one of love and acceptance- her priorities to her family, her friends and the extended Bonner family were clear.  There was no confusing dueling roles, her focus was clear and consistent. Rarely do you find a person whom was so consistently focused in their commitments. She has a legacy of purpose.

As I watch the many hundreds of people pay their respects I saw clearly the lesson she was still teaching us. The lesson that a life must be built through each and every interaction with others, and the it is through these interactions we will define ourselves.

I wish I had known Dee better, because I think I would have been a better man for having done so. But she gave me a gift with her passing of insight that I can share with you my children.

The interactions with others matters, that family matters and that consistent purpose matters. In the end our lives will be defined by how we treat others much more than what we accumulate or accomplish.

We have been a family that accumulates well- we have degrees, businesses and wealth. Our family knows how to build success in many things. But through the accumulations I want to make sure you remember our legacy will be about how we teach others to interact by example. The things will fade, how we teach others to interact will continue..

I chose the quote, ” The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit”, because I thought it defined what is a legacy. It isn’t about the shade we build for ourselves but about the shade we leave for others. And your seeds of these trees are how we interact with each other.

Thank you Dee for that important lesson and rule. You will be missed but your legacy never forgotten.

Rule #38: Live in the moment

Lose a love, fail at a job, fight an illness, face financial failure, come in last…all these things will happen to you. Sometime the pain of life will come in waves, you will feel helpless against the tide, at times you will feel like you are drowning.

In those times you will be asking yourself, what should I do? What is my next step?

The answer is more simple than you might think, it is to focus on what you are doing at that moment and to forget about what has happened in the past or what may happen in the future. It is to live fully the moment of time you are experiencing when it happens.

This might not make sense at first read, but I know it is true.

When I graduated from college it was at a time when the ecomomy was doing dismally- 1981. Inflation was double digits, interest rates were soaring and I was sitting ready to tackle it with an impressive degree from Penn State in Man-Environment Relations.

The fact that you are now asking “what the hell is Man-Environnment Relations” illustrates the problem I had with potential employers. And the key word is “potential” because in the  565 resumes I sent out (I remember that number like it was yesterday) and the 57 rejection letters I received I had absolutely no encouragement that I would ever be employed by anyone.  I felt like I had wasted my college work and was now headed for a promising career of asking, “if you want fries with that”.

As I sat at my parents table looking at the two stacks of letters – submissions and rejections I thought that my life was going to spiral down.

My Dad’s advice was , ” focus on what you are doing at this moment”.

Now my Dad, although I love him dearly, is not a man that is dispences a lot of advice.

I remember that when I broke up with my girlfriend in high school and was upset he asked me one question ” is she pregnent?. When I said no  and we had just broken up, he ended the two minute counseling secession by saying, ” oh I thought you had a real problem”.

So when a man who seldom gives you advice offers it – well you should listen. And I did.

He explained that the decisions I made in selecting this awesome major were done, and I could do nothing about it and had to accept the reality I was living in at the moment. He also explained that at 21 years old I could not begin to fathom what was in store for my life and to worry about what it would be is a complete waste of time.

He said, “What you need now is not my pity, what you need is a job. So let’s focus on the problem.”

We discussed who would hire someone like me and got the list down to insurance companies and banks- both of which I pursued with a vengence.  I also had virtually no interest in building a career in either because I saw myself as a community planner or developer. But since Donald Trump overlooked my resume, the insurance career started to sound really good.

When I did finally get a job at 13k a year, I was overjoyed and decided to continue to focus on what I was doing each moment and to make the most of a career which I never expected.  I focused on working hard on each project, staying a little later, coming in a little earlier – and doing what I was assigned to do really well.  That focus lead to new job offers and promotions, none of which I had planned, but by just focusing on the moment the future sort of took care of itself.

Recently, I have been again reminded of the need to focus on what I am doing right now.

I have lead a fairly healthy life, over-wieght and more sedatary than it should be, but generally without health disruptions.  I have been blessed.

But in a course of just 2 months I found myself with a range of symtoms from loss of feeling in my toes, to dramatic changes in vision to unexplained wieght loss of 25 lbs ( which I admit I enjoyed).  I realized I had a problem and thanks to my sister Donna got to a great doctor quickly.

With blood sugars of 600+ and A1C of 12 I was apparantley exploring the my new world of diabetes. In addition I learned that I had the anti-bodies that were going to eventually destory my thyroid and pancrease. Although up to that moment I had not given much of a thought to either of these organs, I felt that I was going to miss both very much.

Now at 53 I was again faced with what the “what the hell am I going to do ” moment.

I could hear my father’s words…” focus on what you need to do now”.

So I’ve followed the diet, started excersing and taking the medicines. I accepted that what is going to happen in my future is not the result  of bad luck, but a direct result of what I am doing in the moment.

I plan to dance at each of your children’s weddings, and to be able to get there I have to live my moments more healthy now.

I watch you as you have each struggle with life’s obstacles- difficulty in school, challenges in sports or work and relationship difficulties and with each have tried to give you good advice. And I find myself using the same mantra my Dad gave me when I was 21, ” focus on the moment”.

Its what we are doing right now that matters, not what we have done in the past or perhaps will do in the future. Our failures and successes come from the focus on the “here and now’ of life.

So when you don’t know what to do and can’t reach me for my sage advice…take a deep breath and focus on what you are doing right now.

Rule # 29: Celebrate the small victories

Note: This is a continuation of the “Light it up Blue” series of rules focus on the rules connected with living with Autism. Abby’s 11th birthday is tomorrow and she inspired this posting as I left her off for school today. ( Happy Birthday Abby)

I have found that the world is filled with a lot very negative people that find joy in crushing people’s dreams and making fun of  others’ achievements. I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense to you Abby, but some people like to watch other people fail.

I think this comes from having their own lives belittled by others.

When you think about the people who make fun of people that are different or special they always seem sad and lonely. Yes, sometimes these people can enourage other people to  laugh at their mean comments, but the laugher dies really quickly and the  what is left is an awkard emptiness of unlying shame. I think these people know what they are doing is wrong they just don’t know how to stop it.

I remember once when a group a kids in 3rd  grade asked you show a dance you had learned, a teacher had to take you aside and explain that ther girls were really making fun of you.  I expected that you would be sad and hurt by what they did, instead you  you said ” I don’t understand them” and ” I feel sorry for them”. You didn’t cry or seem upset, rather you had the special view of seeing these girls like you would see a group of animals in a zoo doing something you didn’t understand. You couldn’t understand what someone could get  out of hurting someone else, it didn’t hurt you – it confused you, it didn’t make sense to you.

There’s a lot of things about aspergers that make you special, many of them are very good. The inability to understand cruelty is one of the most special- I wish everyone had that part of austism. The world would be a much nicer place.

On this blog I wrote a rule #111 that said that not everyone deserves a trophy. When I wrote that it was because I saw people trying to celebrate average and make it seem great by calling it great.

You always get great grades, particularly in math,  a less than 100% usually disappoints you. In that rule I was saying that people shouldn’t starting givings A’s for getting 70% correct- that doing well should be hard, and require effort. I think that rule is important and applies to you and other people with special needs too.

But what I forgot to say is that even though bar shouldn’t be lowered so that everyone one wins, celebrating the personal victories in life are where a lot of life’s joys come from. Getting personally better is important to celebrate, even if it doesn’t hit the trophy level.

Today you reminded me of that as you got out of the car and headed for the first gym day.

At the beginning of the summer you said you were tried of not being able to wear shorts or sneakers because of the way it felt on you. We have always understood how the “feel” of clothing could makes wearing some of these things physically painful on you because of the way you process these feelings in your brain.

So when you made this announcement we sort of expected you’d give it a try, but in the end be back into the crocs and yoga pants that have been staple of the “Abby wardrob” over the last couple years. But quitely you began to wear the short for longer and longer times, and began to wear sneakers for short periods of time.

I remember a couple mornings in the summer finding you in bed with shorts and sneakers- you told me you were trying to get use to them- to work through the pain.

This morning as I saw you leave my car , carrying your backpack and wearing shorts and sneakers I realized that you have accomplished something that should be celebrated and remembered.

It made me think of the the first time I saw Rachel stop a goal in field hockey,  or seeing Collin make a tackle in football  or Matthew bringing hone a  well written paper in high school. None of these were “trophy” moments, but they were personal victories that each of you achieved on your own with little  help from your parents. These were small personal victories.

As I saw you run into the school I wanted to run out and catch up to you and give you a high five for your clothing victory. ( I only didn’t because at 53 I don’t think I would have been able to catch up)

Its important that you celebrate the small peronal victories- setting a goal and achieving all on your own can go completely un-noticed by others. People , even Dads , can miss these victories because we are so involved with getting through the day we miss these really special victories.

Congratulations on your victory over shorts and sneakers! Keep setting those goals and remember to celebrate the wins- that’s where joy comes from- inside you.

( oh, and thanks for the rule- I’ll try to remember it)

Rule# 44: Learn a Karaoke Song

I know this seems like an odd rule to write about on the first day of school for my kids, and while I am reflecting on Stephen being away at college for the first time.  But thoughts of risk taking and the start of school seems to go together for me. And I believe that Karaoke is a very good form of lifetime risk taking…

In life – all aspects of life- you are either in the game or on the sidelines.

Most people in life sit on the sidelines of the game questioning their abilities and fearing failure.  They question themselves if they are good enough, ready enough or smart enough. And instead of risking failure they become observers rather than participants.

Unfortunately I was born without natural talent in anything- sport, art or music. I of course won the genetic lottery in charm, but for almost everything else I have been in the back of the line. I’m not complaining, but early on in my life I figured out I was not going to be considered a “natural” in anything.

I moved through life and didn’t take many risks, declining chances to try out of teams or plays or virtually anything else. I didn’t want to risk failure or disappointment,  the fear kept me from enjoying things that I should have as a child.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents could not have been more supportive and caring to me as a child. They encouraged me to join sports, boy scouts and the arts- all of which I did with a back of the pack attitude.  They never made me feel that I disappointed them, and they never expressed anything but complete support- but I gave them very few ” that’s my boy ” moments growing up.

For me the future changed due to a significant event in my first year in college.

I had a speech class which was a requirement of all incoming freshmen at Penn State, and I dreaded that class. I was paralyzed at the thought of being judged by thirty other freshmen, and having a lifelong stutter made the fear greater.

The first speech was an introductory one, we were given the assignment of telling the class who we were. I remember thinking, I’m a boring, unremarkable person that I would not like to hear much about if I was a listener. I thought- maybe I should be somebody else, maybe I should be the person that  I would want to hear.

I composed a speech, ” I am a Megalomaniac ” describing my dream of becoming the largest land developer in the world and renaming streets, schools and towns with different variations of the name Bob. It was kind of silly, but I thought I don’t want to be the person at the back of the room- I want to be this person.

I practiced the speech over and over, and gave it to class- with a little stuttering and a lot of nervousness.

The class loved it. They laughed, the knew who I was- I was not just another freshman I was a Megalomaniac.

A couple things happened…girls that never talked to me, talked to me.

People asked me to join in on projects, events and just going out, and instead of taking to my natural introverted personality – I said yes.

I began a climb of confidence that allowed everything else in my life to change from maybe’s to yes.

In life, as in school, the same opportunities are presented to virtually everyone and the difference is if you take risk and go outside of your comfort zone to be something that you were not before.

I’ve achieved a pretty good degree of success in business  starting more than 5 businesses and building new opportunities each year. In each business I’ve started I was unprepared for the responsibility- basically learning what I needed to do by doing it. I don’t think people are ever “ready” to start a company, write a play or become a singer- they become it by doing it. The difference between someone that parachutes and someone that doesn’t comes down to only one thing- do they jump out of the plane.

In your life your will be faced with many of the opportunities to say yes, but I have found that one universal opportunity will be the opportunity to sing a Karaoke song. This opportunity may come up at a family gathering, a party or a bar- but I can promise you it will come up in your life. Its a universal truth, especially in our family.

My voice is terrible- yes I sang in Penn State Glee club (after the speech I mentioned before- part of the yes process), but there is a major difference in making “Fight on State” sound good and making a Billy Joel song sound passable. What I lack in pitch I make up in enthusiasm and volume.

The process of getting up in front of both friends and strangers doing something you are neither  comfortable with or skilled at teaches you that you can take risks and survive. That failing at something but giving it your all changes how other people see you, and more importantly how you see yourself. It says that you are capable of taking risks, facing failure and understanding that life is an adventure.

Karaoke became sort of the family focus of this behavior because of Bobbi.  She has an unfair advantage of in actually being very good at it, but she pushed the entire family to participate. It helped all experience the process of taking risk with a pretty damn good coach behind us.

So as you start 5th grade, 10th grade, 11th grade and Junior year at college start thinking about how to take risks in life, how to become what you want to be ..because it is all open to you. You can sing any song you want in life but it all started by taking the microphone and trying.

But, stay away from ” Love Shack” and ” My Way”.. their mine.

Rule #20: Find a Sanctuary

“The soul falls into contemplation before this sanctuary, where the celebration of love is held.”

Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

Life is difficult.

I’ve started a couple of these rules with these same words, because I believe they are true.

We face challenges, failures and loss loves throughout our lives and the pain can be overwhelming at times. In recent weeks I have watched my children struggle with a variety of personal issues which has made me think about how we get through life’s challenges, and how we go on after failure or loss.

I’ve thought about pain and what advice I could give to you, what rule there is that could guide you through life’s difficult times. And the word I keep coming back to is SANCTUARY.

I choose not to use the more famous Victor Hugo quote from the Hunchback of…”Sanctuary! Sanctuary!” . I did this because I do not believe that what we need is a church or place to hide from pain, but a way to find peace from pain.

In the quote I used, there is a young couple on their wedding night being observed, and the passion and love is seen as a sanctuary from the misery which was life 19th century France. It was their escape and their peace.

In our lives we need this sanctuary to refocus and get through the trials of life. We all suffer love and disappointment but we have to find a way to center ourselves to get through to the next day.

I think you can find this sanctuary around you, but you must seek to develop it and nurture it. You must open your heart to find peace in it.

Each of you have to find a different source, for Andrew and Collin I have seen it in physical exercise which is both a healthy and safe Sanctuary. In your workouts you find a centering, a peace to help you through the difficult times. It clears you mind so that you can make sense of everything that you are experiencing.

Unhealthy things like obsession with video games, alcohol or drugs give you the same relaxation but doesn’t give you the refocus necessary to rejoin the world. Sanctuaries need to be places where there can be a refocusing rather than just avoiding pain. I think people become addicted to drugs because they are searching for their sanctuary and mistake the emptiness for peacefulness.

I’ve struggled personally to find my own sanctuary through much of my life. Although I like music and art I lacked the talent or commitment to make it my true harbor. For much of my life I thought that work would be my sanctuary- that through working hard I could find that centering necessary to be happy. And despite finding significant financial and personal success I did not find the Sanctuary I needed.

It took me decades on mistakes to find my path to happiness, to find a place that would give me that inner peace when I needed it.  I found mine in the embrace of my love for you my children, through the cathartic release of this blog and through the love of a special Princess.

I continue to develop my sanctuary by understanding myself better through writing these rules for you, it is my hope that my words will help you avoid at least a decade or two of struggles.

A true sanctuary should have three things:

– It must demand your full attention – making it impossible to focus on other things. This blog does that for me, but it may be art, reading, fishing, riding horses- anything. But it must require you to be fully present.

– It must be healthy– there is no right or wrong Sanctuary, but there can be healthy and unhealthy ones. Things that improve or at least do not damage you are the direction you should seek.

– When you are “in” your sanctuary you find peace- Don’t look for just quiet or restful- look for that true inner peace. You will know it because it will feel like someone is stroking you on the head and wrapping you in warm arms. Look for that calming effect in your sanctuary.

A cautionary ” do as I say not as I do” statement:

Your sanctuary is rarely found in another person entirely. It can only be found with complete and absolute trust – a rarity in life, and seldom found in a relationship. I worry that because of my love for my family I may be sending you the message that your marriage and your family should be your sanctuary above all else. Honestly in most people I met they have not been able to find peace in other people. I have been blessed – but I strongly recommend before the age of 40 to find this in activity rather than people.

As a father the most important thing I can wish for you is inner peace and happiness, and my greatest fear is that you are left without a path to it. This blog is suppose to be a guide, but I want to be clear that Bobbi and I will always be here to provide a Sanctuary for you until you find your inner peace. Lean on us, it makes us feel needed.

For the record, Princess…you are my Sanctuary. But it took too damn long to find you.

Rule # 33:  Chivalry is not dead

This week contains a couple of important dates for me, the anniversary of my mother’s death in 2000 and  Mother’s Day, both have caused me to reflect on the most important lessons and rules my mother has taught me.

My Mother was a special woman whom loved me very much, and I feel fortunate that I am 53 and its 13 years since her passing and I know that I still carry her love with me. I can feel it every day in the actions of my children that remind me of her, and her own rules of life that I am reminded of everyday.

One of these rules was the way a man treats his mother and women around him will define his character

I find myself telling my children, both the boys and girls this more often because chivalry has been lost in society. It has been lost because the acts of respect are regarded as anti-feminist or submissive- they have been given up in the pursuit of equal rights or  just lazyness.

But I can feel my Mom giving us all a collective slap in the head for this type of thinking.

She explained to me acts like holding a car door open or guiding a woman through a crowd are acts which tell the woman, and everyone else around, that you are with someone whom is special.

And this is very important…

That by being with someone special, you – yourself are special. It defines not only the woman you are with, it defines the you.

As I was thinking about my Mom and Chivalry and I realized that beyond the old “opening the door” example these actions are not as clear cut as they were in the 60’s and 70’s.

But Chivalry opportunity exists all around us, we have but only to look:

Protect her from the weather– If the weather is cold, or it is raining- she should be given your coat or umbrella. Nothing expresses respect for a woman more than her being a little warmer and you being a little colder on a walk home.

Don’t get drunker than her or too drunk to drive– Staying sober on a date sends a message that you will make sure she gets home safely.

Bobbi will be the first to tell you of our first date, doing tequila shots around a hibachi bar and me discretely pouring mine on the floor. I wasn’t there to get drunk- I was there to be with a beautiful woman. Getting drunk tells the woman that you are either stupid or don’t care about them.

I have also found that women find me more attractive if they drink more than me …go figure.

Get out of your car and walk her to the door- I don’t care if she says you don’t have to, or if you get a $100 ticket for double parking- get out of the car and always walk her to the door- ALWAYS.  If that was a diamond necklace you were dropping off rather than a date you’d never throw it at the door and drive away. If you want to be valued, she has to feel valued.

This thought process on Chivalry goes for my daughters too, whom, despite my efforts to keep them in protective custody their whole lives will be dating men. My daughters should look at these acts of Chivalry as opportunities to glimpse at the true character of the men they are dating.

Daughters, I want you to hear my words in your head if you are with a man whom fails to open the door for you…”kick the bum to the curb and move on…”

I want to add one extreme warning to my daughters that they should pay attention to above all other aspects of dating…how does the man treat his Mother and/or Step Mother?

Yes with blended families, like ours, the matriarch can change from Mother to Step-Mother to Grandmother- but there will always be as a strong woman figure in that man’s life- watch everything about how he interacts with her…

Does he speak with a respectful tone?

Does he take the garbage out when asked without complaint?

Does he show affection by hugs or kisses to this woman?

No other sign will be a better definition for you as to the character of the man you are with than how he treats his  Mother or Step-Mother. It is the lynch pin in the assessment of if  you have a man of character or a man who is unworthy of respect.

I think if my children find partners that understand and embrace the concept of Chivalry our family would have done the memory of my mother proud- it is something we can do to keep her spirit in our lives.

Rule #31: Quirky Is Cool

( part of the Abby- light it up blue series)

Abby you are different from most people.

You see the world in ways others do not, in ways that others have trouble understanding. I’ve learned from you that things aren’t always they way they first seem, and that there are many ways of looking at the same situation.

I remember when you were only 6 years old we surprised you by packing a bag and telling you that we were taking Collin and you to Disney world as a surprise trip. Instead of being happy you became very upset and started to cry.

What we realized was that what you liked best about trips was being with the family, and that you felt that leaving your other brothers and sister behind (who were all busy with school) it wasn’t going to be fun. You also showed us how much empathy is in your young heart, that you felt sad for them that they couldn’t come with us.  Both your Mom and I never thought about the trip that way until you showed us their was another way of thinking about it.

You have a special way of thinking, a way of looking at things from a different view- an often kinder and more compassionate way.

When the doctors first told us that you had Aspergers they explained that the your would not get the “social cues” that the rest of us do. They said that although you were highly intelligent, you could not understand things like friendship , empathy and humor. When the doctors told us this we were very sad and thought that life would be difficult for you.

What I have learned in the last 10 years with you is that the doctors had it all wrong.

It isn’t that you don’t understand those things its that you see them, and approach them from an entirely different way. You understand the social cues completely, you just don’t know why they matter to the rest of us.

This past weekend when we went to Washington DC you were far more excited to meet new friends in the pool than to visit any museum. I watch you as you jumped right into the water and swam up to other kids and said..” Hi, I’m Abby what’s your name”.

Lots of the kids wouldn’t talk much or sort of ignored you, but you continued until you met over the course of  2 visits, 4 new friends. You went up to boys, girls, all races and all sizes with the complete open acceptance and love that all of the rest of us aspire to  develop in our lives. You didn’t stop because kids rejected your efforts, and you didn’t pick only the white 10 year old girls to talk to you, you approached everyone as a potential friend.

In school I know you do the same thing, and can not imagine why anyone would not approach others as potential friends. You see kids having fun doing something you immediately want to be part of it and ask to join in, with no regard for you likes who, or what group involved. you see the world as an open invitation.

The problem is that many kids don’t approach the world the same way. They see the world as a set of many rules of who they are allowed to interact and in what ways. These kids have learned to be afraid of some people, to envy others and even hate others- they follow a complicated set of rules how people should talk to one and other.

These kids sometimes make fun of your openness to friendship and tease you. They sometimes take advantage of your open heart and call you weird or quirky. These kids can be cruel and mean.

What I’ve noticed in you that they are right that you are quirky, but what they don’t understand is that QUIRKY IS COOL.

Quirky people don’t judge.

Quirky people don’t call each other names.

Quirky people are kind and loving.

Quirky people embrace life and want to be part of the world without any silly rules.

I have learned that the doctors are wrong- you don’t need to learn social queuing. You need to learn to live in a world that is less kind and accepting than your heart is, you need to live in what is often a very UNCOOL world.

Today is April 2 and is National Autism awareness day. A lot of people that don’t get to have special “quirky” people like you in their families think the day is about finding a cure to aspergers and to “fix” people with it. But I think the day is about a celebration how special and kind people with Autism can be, and to teach all of us that we have much to learn from those with Autism.

We are all gifts from God and our differences should be embraced and nurtured not made into on big pot of vanilla ice cream.

Abby I love you the way you are and hope to continue to learn about how you see the world each day. Yes, you have Aspergers. Yes you are quirky.

But Abby you are very cool.