Rule #28: It’s Not You, It’s Me
“Honey, it’s not you, it’s me.”
“I need time to work on me.”
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
At some point in life, you’ll hear one of these phrases—maybe all three in a single conversation. One moment things seem fine, the next you get the dreaded: “Babe, we need to talk.”
I’ve watched my kids and relatives wrestle with these breakups, drowning in sadness, anger, and confusion. I’ve worried about you sinking into depression, or struggling to stand back up. So here are a few truths. You’ll probably ignore them now—but someday they might matter.
1. When it’s over, it’s over
I’m a big believer in counseling when it comes to marriages, especially those with kids. I spent years in therapy during my first marriage, and while it didn’t save the marriage, it gave me tools for life after.
But dating isn’t marriage. In your teens and twenties, relationships are about figuring things out—testing whether someone is really a fit. Many won’t be, and sometimes the other person will realize it before you do. That’s not failure—it’s the process.
In today’s everyone-gets-a-trophy world, this can be hard to accept. But not every romantic feeling is valid just because you have it. Just because I think Halle Berry should love me doesn’t mean she will. (Trust me, I’ve tried.)
The mistake young people make is believing persistence will change someone’s mind. It won’t. All the endless “talks,” texts, and negotiations just make things more painful—and sometimes even creepy.
When it’s over, accept it with grace. Don’t beg your way back into someone’s life. It diminishes you and annoys them. Be grateful for what you learned, move on, and keep looking. The right person is out there.
2. Love isn’t always LOVE
I’ve noticed “love” gets thrown around a lot faster these days. I’ve told five women in my life I loved them, and I meant it. Some people seem to say it to five people a week—or a day.
The truth is, love isn’t defined by words. It’s defined by actions. Saying “I love you” after a great date isn’t the same as holding someone’s hand while they’re sick with the stomach flu. Love without care is just noise.
So don’t fall for empty promises. If the words don’t come with real actions, they’re meaningless. Better to find that out early than ten years into a commitment.
3. Self-pity isn’t sexy
Yes, it hurts. Yes, you feel crushed. But sitting around feeling sorry for yourself won’t help. Take a trip, learn guitar, join a class, volunteer—anything but wallowing. People are drawn to energy, positivity, forward motion.
Self-pity might get you a bowl of chicken soup. Moving forward gets you a date. Dates are better.
I wish I had the magic words to ease heartbreak. I don’t. (That’s Taylor Swift’s department.) But I can tell you this: “It’s not you, it’s me” is a lie. Because in the end, it really is you—your choices, your actions, your decision to move forward—that will shape your happiness.
Yes, it didn’t work out with me and Halle. But I got over it. You will too. And honestly? I hear she’s a nightmare to live with. Dodged a bullet there.
Love, Dad