Rule #178: The Santa Rule

Rule #178: The Santa Rule

I’m a fan of Santa. Not that I want the focus on Christmas to be gifts, I just love the concept of Santa.

The dude is a really cool guy. A toy shop, a race of Elves at his command, flying reindeer and magic powers- what’s not to like. The guy rocks. He is also a snappy dresser for us plus size guys.

What I liked best about the jolly guy is the power he gave me over my toddler children to influence their behavior. Just invoking his name anytime between Thanksgiving and New Years would reset behaviors of any child whining, expose any lies, and basically check any negative thing. It was truly magical.

I took full advantage of it! It was a season of easy discipline that made the holiday an especially happy one.

The only negative was that as my children grew they stopped believing. Imagine the power we would have over negative people if there were consequence dispensed by a chubby magical entity that could invoke as much fear as joy.

I encounter adult people during the year who say cruel things to each other, do evil things just to get personal gain and generally behave badly. Unfortunately these things aren’t illegal and they are basically just the function of people behaving badly. It is sad to say but some people just choose to be assholes. ( I tried to find a more polite word for it but asshole is the only one that really works)

Fortunately I am not completely powerless without St Nick. My kids have the fear of my death and me haunting them ( which I will do for any that are pissing me off ). As I get older and closer to death I intend to use this power more. Yes they may not even believe in God or an afterlife, but do they really want to take that chance? I would be a pretty pissed off ghost.

What we need is a Santa for Adults. Something that just by the invoking of his name behavior instantly changes

Imagine being able to simply yell out to the guy that cut you off in traffic  “ you better watch out” and have the behavior stop. Or say “ he sees you” to the woman that was rude to you at the grocery store and her instantly reflect on her behavior and apologize.  I generally think assholes know when they are being assholes, just without Santa in their lives there is no direct consequence. They need to lose things that they want.

It sad but the holiday seems to have the opposite effect on assholes , they seem to just love hurting other people- maybe because life hasn’t given them enough Barbie Princess Castles or Red Ryder B.B. guns. They are mad at life, have little hope and want to hurt others happiness. We need an Adult Santa to give them something to hope for , and something to take away from them when they are bad.

Yes we have heaven and hell- but assholes are pretty short- term thinkers. They need the immediate reinforcement of Adult Santa to keep in line.

I propose a Kickstarter project to set up a second “North Pole Workshop” maybe at the South Pole using magical penguins to help deliver new BMWs and the like. I think with the right magical entity we may really be able to keep the adult assholes in line.

So.. “ you better watch out”…,


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