Rule #54: Boys Will Be Boys
As the father of three wonderful girls and the grandfather of the awesome Hailey, I am a strong supporter of the #MeToo movement and of the societal protections that give those who need it most a voice. There is never an excuse for abusive behavior, nor for using power to take advantage of others. The pendulum of fairness was long out of balance, and this renewed awareness has given many people who were damaged the strength, support, and acceptance they deserve. It’s long overdue—and it must continue.
At the same time, as the father of three wonderful boys, I’ve reflected on what I taught them and whether my approach holds up in this new cultural moment. A recent PSA from the Joyful Heart Foundation—an organization I admire—got me thinking. In it, male celebrities repeat the phrase “boys will be boys” before the words ENOUGH appear on screen, calling for cultural change.
That struck a chord with me, because I raised my boys with that phrase in mind—but not in the way the PSA condemned. When my sons fought, I didn’t rush in to settle their arguments. Instead, I let them work things out, sometimes physically, as brothers do. I didn’t throw a knife into the fight, but I gave them room to resolve their problems. My belief was simple: I wouldn’t always be there, so they needed to learn independence and resilience.
I remember one incident when Andrew was about 10. His Catholic school principal, a Sister of Mercy, called me in after Andrew got into a fight on the playground. She explained that a smaller boy had been harassing him for weeks, teasing and poking at him. One day that boy hit Andrew in the back of the head with a kickball. Andrew snapped, picked him up, slammed him against the fence, and yelled, “Leave me alone!” The boy, frightened, ran to the teachers.
The Sister told me Andrew was a good, kind child—and that he needed to learn to stand up for himself. She punished the other boy with detention but let Andrew off with a warning. “Boys will be boys,” she said. Then she added that when the other boy complained, she told him, “I know what you’re doing, and next time I won’t protect you.”
Was Sister wrong? I don’t think so. Part of raising boys is teaching them to stand up for themselves and to defend others. Not to be bullies or violent, but to be men who can survive what life throws at them.
So what does “boys will be boys” really mean? For me, it’s not an excuse for bad behavior—it’s a reminder that boys must be guided toward becoming men of character. I believe that comes down to three things:
1. Responsibility
Boys must learn they are responsible for their decisions and the consequences of their actions. Good choices bring good outcomes; bad choices bring bad outcomes. When my boys missed homework or failed a test, I never intervened unless the full story wasn’t being told. Matthew could confirm dozens of detentions he served for missed assignments—I never argued with the school. Even when Abby, one of my girls, got detention for chewing gum I’d given her to ease test anxiety, I told her to serve it. Rules are rules. Learning responsibility is a cornerstone of character.
2. Respect
In 2019, respect seems increasingly rare—respect for God, country, parents, women, or authority in general. Too many kids grow up believing they are the center of the universe. Teaching respect is hard, but essential. Boys need to understand that respect is earned, and it comes from how we treat others.
This lesson comes by example—through small acts of service, like holding a door open, or bringing in the neighbor’s garbage can. It also comes from enforcing clear consequences for disrespect. Talking back or defying rules should not be brushed aside. Excusing disrespect plants the seeds of long-term problems, where authority, women, and society itself are viewed as irrelevant.
My rule was simple: if a boy wasn’t listening, add more structure. Clear rules create respect. And had someone corrected Harvey Weinstein as a boy—say, his father taking away his TV the first time he spoke rudely to a woman—maybe he wouldn’t have grown into the narcissistic predator he became. Monsters are often made by adults who ignored bad behavior instead of correcting it.
3. The Role of Father
I believe boys must learn the role of fatherhood—not as a tyrant or CEO, but as a leader and protector. It may sound old-fashioned, but the lack of this teaching is part of today’s problems. A man should know that fatherhood carries moral responsibility: to provide, to protect, and to guide.
I see this in Andrew today, as he takes on extra work to save for family vacations. He understands the buck stops with him. He knows his family’s well-being is his responsibility. That doesn’t mean his wife Ashleigh couldn’t do it all on her own—she could—but marriage works best when both partners shoulder their roles. Andrew’s commitment as a father is, in my eyes, one of my proudest legacies.
So, is the phrase “boys will be boys” offensive? Not to me. It acknowledges that boys will sometimes be aggressive, clumsy, or reckless. They will make mistakes, be corrected, and grow. What matters is that they emerge from those experiences stronger, with character intact.
Sister was right: we need boys who can handle themselves, who can be strong and principled men. Boys will be boys—but every father must remember that boys will become men. And it is our job to make sure they become the best men possible.
The #MeToo movement is right—we can and must do better. The way forward is not to erase the boy from the boy, but to guide him toward the man he is meant to be.
Love, Dad