Rule #42: Ask for Help
One of the things I’ve noticed while developing this list of “life rules” is that the most important ones are usually the simplest. They cut through the noise of life with a clarity that feels self-evident. This is one of those rules.
The Health of a Family Is in the Asking
In the past week, 4 of my 6 children have come to Bobbi and me for some sort of help. That might make you think our family is in crisis or failing—but it’s actually a sign of health.
Failure would be family members suffering alone, spiraling into bigger problems. Strength is found in connection.
The Myth of Rugged Individualism
In the United States, we glorify a culture of “rugged individualism.” It’s the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” “put on your big girl panties,” “Yippee-Ki-Yay, Motherf***er” philosophy that gets reinforced as quintessentially American.
And while self-reliance has value, it can easily lead us down the wrong road when taken too far. Sometimes… Tony needs to see a shrink.
You can’t do it all alone. No one can.
We Were Built to Help Each Other
Since the days we were swinging monkeys in trees, we’ve been social animals. We survive and thrive through interaction. We weren’t meant to be the John Waynes or John McClanes of the animal kingdom. We were meant to rely on one another.
It’s through interaction that we learn, grow, and overcome.
The Snowball Effect: What I Tell My Kids
As a father, my greatest fear is that my children will feel lost and alone. That they won’t realize how wonderful they are—or how great life can be.
Before each kid left for college, I gave them all the same talk: The Snowball Effect Lecture.
I told them that when they get to college, they’ll face a thousand new distractions—roommates, parties, relationships, responsibilities. It will come hurtling at them at 100 mph when they least expect it. A blizzard of distractions pulling them in every direction, burying them in a drift of despair.
And I tell them this:
It’s not a question of if the storm will come. It’s a question of when.
Maybe it’ll be after failing your first biology exam (that’s when it hit me). Or when you realize you’re four weeks behind on a project that’s due in two days.
But that storm is coming.
The Most Important Skill: Asking for Help
When it comes, you need to remember this: Ask for help.
Don’t let the snowballs start rolling. Because the longer they roll, the bigger they get. Eventually, they’ll run you over.
Before you even step on campus, start thinking about who you’ll call and how you’ll ask. Learn the campus support systems—tutoring centers, mental health resources, crisis lines. Put them in your phone before you ever need them.
And remember this: Don’t be ashamed of failure. Focus on recovery.
“To err is human; to recover, divine.”
You can’t avoid the weather. It comes for all of us.
But you can prepare. You can recover.
Look for the Helpers
When Mr. Rogers was a child, he struggled to understand the terrible things he saw happening in the world. His mother gave him this advice:
“Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
I take that one step further: You have to ask those people for help.
Even in fiction, this truth holds. As J.K. Rowling wrote in The Deathly Hallows:
“Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.”
Dumbledore was one wise dude.
The Joy of Watching My Kids Help Each Other
Some of my proudest moments in life are happening now—when I see my children helping each other. I see them sharing their problems and secrets. Rallying to a sibling’s side when things get tough.
They’ve learned what I hoped they would:
Help will be given to those who ask.
Final Word
Life is hard—but it’s also wonderful. Sometimes, it’s really f***ing hard. Sometimes the snow won’t stop falling, and the snowball is coming right for you.
But it always stops.
Look for the helpers.
Especially your brothers and sisters.
Because help will always be given.
You just need to ask.
Love, Dad