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Rule #20: Find a Sanctuary

“The soul falls into contemplation before this sanctuary, where the celebration of love is held.”

Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

Life is difficult.

I’ve started a couple of these rules with these same words, because I believe they are true.

We face challenges, failures and loss loves throughout our lives and the pain can be overwhelming at times. In recent weeks I have watched my children struggle with a variety of personal issues which has made me think about how we get through life’s challenges, and how we go on after failure or loss.

I’ve thought about pain and what advice I could give to you, what rule there is that could guide you through life’s difficult times. And the word I keep coming back to is SANCTUARY.

I choose not to use the more famous Victor Hugo quote from the Hunchback of…”Sanctuary! Sanctuary!” . I did this because I do not believe that what we need is a church or place to hide from pain, but a way to find peace from pain.

In the quote I used, there is a young couple on their wedding night being observed, and the passion and love is seen as a sanctuary from the misery which was life 19th century France. It was their escape and their peace.

In our lives we need this sanctuary to refocus and get through the trials of life. We all suffer love and disappointment but we have to find a way to center ourselves to get through to the next day.

I think you can find this sanctuary around you, but you must seek to develop it and nurture it. You must open your heart to find peace in it.

Each of you have to find a different source, for Andrew and Collin I have seen it in physical exercise which is both a healthy and safe Sanctuary. In your workouts you find a centering, a peace to help you through the difficult times. It clears you mind so that you can make sense of everything that you are experiencing.

Unhealthy things like obsession with video games, alcohol or drugs give you the same relaxation but doesn’t give you the refocus necessary to rejoin the world. Sanctuaries need to be places where there can be a refocusing rather than just avoiding pain. I think people become addicted to drugs because they are searching for their sanctuary and mistake the emptiness for peacefulness.

I’ve struggled personally to find my own sanctuary through much of my life. Although I like music and art I lacked the talent or commitment to make it my true harbor. For much of my life I thought that work would be my sanctuary- that through working hard I could find that centering necessary to be happy. And despite finding significant financial and personal success I did not find the Sanctuary I needed.

It took me decades on mistakes to find my path to happiness, to find a place that would give me that inner peace when I needed it.  I found mine in the embrace of my love for you my children, through the cathartic release of this blog and through the love of a special Princess.

I continue to develop my sanctuary by understanding myself better through writing these rules for you, it is my hope that my words will help you avoid at least a decade or two of struggles.

A true sanctuary should have three things:

– It must demand your full attention – making it impossible to focus on other things. This blog does that for me, but it may be art, reading, fishing, riding horses- anything. But it must require you to be fully present.

– It must be healthy– there is no right or wrong Sanctuary, but there can be healthy and unhealthy ones. Things that improve or at least do not damage you are the direction you should seek.

– When you are “in” your sanctuary you find peace- Don’t look for just quiet or restful- look for that true inner peace. You will know it because it will feel like someone is stroking you on the head and wrapping you in warm arms. Look for that calming effect in your sanctuary.

A cautionary ” do as I say not as I do” statement:

Your sanctuary is rarely found in another person entirely. It can only be found with complete and absolute trust – a rarity in life, and seldom found in a relationship. I worry that because of my love for my family I may be sending you the message that your marriage and your family should be your sanctuary above all else. Honestly in most people I met they have not been able to find peace in other people. I have been blessed – but I strongly recommend before the age of 40 to find this in activity rather than people.

As a father the most important thing I can wish for you is inner peace and happiness, and my greatest fear is that you are left without a path to it. This blog is suppose to be a guide, but I want to be clear that Bobbi and I will always be here to provide a Sanctuary for you until you find your inner peace. Lean on us, it makes us feel needed.

For the record, Princess…you are my Sanctuary. But it took too damn long to find you.

Rule # 33:  Chivalry is not dead

This week contains a couple of important dates for me, the anniversary of my mother’s death in 2000 and  Mother’s Day, both have caused me to reflect on the most important lessons and rules my mother has taught me.

My Mother was a special woman whom loved me very much, and I feel fortunate that I am 53 and its 13 years since her passing and I know that I still carry her love with me. I can feel it every day in the actions of my children that remind me of her, and her own rules of life that I am reminded of everyday.

One of these rules was the way a man treats his mother and women around him will define his character

I find myself telling my children, both the boys and girls this more often because chivalry has been lost in society. It has been lost because the acts of respect are regarded as anti-feminist or submissive- they have been given up in the pursuit of equal rights or  just lazyness.

But I can feel my Mom giving us all a collective slap in the head for this type of thinking.

She explained to me acts like holding a car door open or guiding a woman through a crowd are acts which tell the woman, and everyone else around, that you are with someone whom is special.

And this is very important…

That by being with someone special, you – yourself are special. It defines not only the woman you are with, it defines the you.

As I was thinking about my Mom and Chivalry and I realized that beyond the old “opening the door” example these actions are not as clear cut as they were in the 60’s and 70’s.

But Chivalry opportunity exists all around us, we have but only to look:

Protect her from the weather– If the weather is cold, or it is raining- she should be given your coat or umbrella. Nothing expresses respect for a woman more than her being a little warmer and you being a little colder on a walk home.

Don’t get drunker than her or too drunk to drive– Staying sober on a date sends a message that you will make sure she gets home safely.

Bobbi will be the first to tell you of our first date, doing tequila shots around a hibachi bar and me discretely pouring mine on the floor. I wasn’t there to get drunk- I was there to be with a beautiful woman. Getting drunk tells the woman that you are either stupid or don’t care about them.

I have also found that women find me more attractive if they drink more than me …go figure.

Get out of your car and walk her to the door- I don’t care if she says you don’t have to, or if you get a $100 ticket for double parking- get out of the car and always walk her to the door- ALWAYS.  If that was a diamond necklace you were dropping off rather than a date you’d never throw it at the door and drive away. If you want to be valued, she has to feel valued.

This thought process on Chivalry goes for my daughters too, whom, despite my efforts to keep them in protective custody their whole lives will be dating men. My daughters should look at these acts of Chivalry as opportunities to glimpse at the true character of the men they are dating.

Daughters, I want you to hear my words in your head if you are with a man whom fails to open the door for you…”kick the bum to the curb and move on…”

I want to add one extreme warning to my daughters that they should pay attention to above all other aspects of dating…how does the man treat his Mother and/or Step Mother?

Yes with blended families, like ours, the matriarch can change from Mother to Step-Mother to Grandmother- but there will always be as a strong woman figure in that man’s life- watch everything about how he interacts with her…

Does he speak with a respectful tone?

Does he take the garbage out when asked without complaint?

Does he show affection by hugs or kisses to this woman?

No other sign will be a better definition for you as to the character of the man you are with than how he treats his  Mother or Step-Mother. It is the lynch pin in the assessment of if  you have a man of character or a man who is unworthy of respect.

I think if my children find partners that understand and embrace the concept of Chivalry our family would have done the memory of my mother proud- it is something we can do to keep her spirit in our lives.

Rule #31: Quirky Is Cool

( part of the Abby- light it up blue series)

Abby you are different from most people.

You see the world in ways others do not, in ways that others have trouble understanding. I’ve learned from you that things aren’t always they way they first seem, and that there are many ways of looking at the same situation.

I remember when you were only 6 years old we surprised you by packing a bag and telling you that we were taking Collin and you to Disney world as a surprise trip. Instead of being happy you became very upset and started to cry.

What we realized was that what you liked best about trips was being with the family, and that you felt that leaving your other brothers and sister behind (who were all busy with school) it wasn’t going to be fun. You also showed us how much empathy is in your young heart, that you felt sad for them that they couldn’t come with us.  Both your Mom and I never thought about the trip that way until you showed us their was another way of thinking about it.

You have a special way of thinking, a way of looking at things from a different view- an often kinder and more compassionate way.

When the doctors first told us that you had Aspergers they explained that the your would not get the “social cues” that the rest of us do. They said that although you were highly intelligent, you could not understand things like friendship , empathy and humor. When the doctors told us this we were very sad and thought that life would be difficult for you.

What I have learned in the last 10 years with you is that the doctors had it all wrong.

It isn’t that you don’t understand those things its that you see them, and approach them from an entirely different way. You understand the social cues completely, you just don’t know why they matter to the rest of us.

This past weekend when we went to Washington DC you were far more excited to meet new friends in the pool than to visit any museum. I watch you as you jumped right into the water and swam up to other kids and said..” Hi, I’m Abby what’s your name”.

Lots of the kids wouldn’t talk much or sort of ignored you, but you continued until you met over the course of  2 visits, 4 new friends. You went up to boys, girls, all races and all sizes with the complete open acceptance and love that all of the rest of us aspire to  develop in our lives. You didn’t stop because kids rejected your efforts, and you didn’t pick only the white 10 year old girls to talk to you, you approached everyone as a potential friend.

In school I know you do the same thing, and can not imagine why anyone would not approach others as potential friends. You see kids having fun doing something you immediately want to be part of it and ask to join in, with no regard for you likes who, or what group involved. you see the world as an open invitation.

The problem is that many kids don’t approach the world the same way. They see the world as a set of many rules of who they are allowed to interact and in what ways. These kids have learned to be afraid of some people, to envy others and even hate others- they follow a complicated set of rules how people should talk to one and other.

These kids sometimes make fun of your openness to friendship and tease you. They sometimes take advantage of your open heart and call you weird or quirky. These kids can be cruel and mean.

What I’ve noticed in you that they are right that you are quirky, but what they don’t understand is that QUIRKY IS COOL.

Quirky people don’t judge.

Quirky people don’t call each other names.

Quirky people are kind and loving.

Quirky people embrace life and want to be part of the world without any silly rules.

I have learned that the doctors are wrong- you don’t need to learn social queuing. You need to learn to live in a world that is less kind and accepting than your heart is, you need to live in what is often a very UNCOOL world.

Today is April 2 and is National Autism awareness day. A lot of people that don’t get to have special “quirky” people like you in their families think the day is about finding a cure to aspergers and to “fix” people with it. But I think the day is about a celebration how special and kind people with Autism can be, and to teach all of us that we have much to learn from those with Autism.

We are all gifts from God and our differences should be embraced and nurtured not made into on big pot of vanilla ice cream.

Abby I love you the way you are and hope to continue to learn about how you see the world each day. Yes, you have Aspergers. Yes you are quirky.

But Abby you are very cool.

Rule # 63: Life doesn’t have instant reply

In 1982 I went to see a Nebraska – Penn State game in Beaver Stadium which ended up being a 3 point win for the Nittany Lions, which eventually lead to a national championship for PSU. In that game the then undefeated Corn-huskers had fought back and taken the lead with only 1:18 left on the clock.

What happen next was one of the worse calls of any football game, a call on a catch that even the receiver admitted years later was out of bounds, was ruled a catch- leading to the go ahead touchdown. Penn State wins the game and goes on to a National Championship because one guy blew a call.

That game was exciting, and I haven’t really thought about it again until last November when I watch Penn State lose a game in the final minutes of the  the 4th quarter on a similar bad call.  It was in a very Karma driven way, against Nebraska.

You know that I have two great loves life, my family and the Nittany Lions. And it would be normal to expect me to take the opportunity to write a blog entry talking about the unfairness of the call and the need for a better instant replay system. But this entry isn’t about the replay, in fact it isn’t about football at all.

What happen in both the games was what happens in life. We go out do our best, work really hard and most time win the game- but sometimes things don’t work out.  Not because the plays weren’t executed well or because someone missed a block ,but because shit happens.

The art of being a good human being, and I believe it is an art, is not succeeding with a level playing field and fair rules, but to thrive when the playing field is tilted against you and the refs. clearly have eye damage. Its finding a way to win when life is unfair.

I think this concept was easier to understand when we all lived on farms.

Living on a farm sort of taught everyone life as going to be unfair at times. Droughts would happen, insect plagues would happen and prize live stock would get sick and die. And this all happened while the farmers were working their butts off.

But we have shifted away from understanding this concept to look for “fairness” in all things, and to expect there to be an instant replay to that would “right” any wrong that occurs in life.

There is this increasing desire of people to find instant replays in their lives. If you get cancer from smoking you sue saying you were not informed of the risk. If you take a mortgage on your house and you can’t afford to pay it, its the bank’s fault because they should have never lent you the money.

In the world filled with instant replays everything seems to be somebodies fault because life itself could not possibly be that unfair to you.

I think this “instant replay” bias has become more a part of our lives because  technological advances make it easier to “fix things”.  The iphone world has given everyone the impression that there is an ordered technological response to everything… there seems always to be an App for That.

We struggle to find perfect round holes for all the round pegs, and technology has taught us to expect that this fairness in life should be the goal. That there is always a “right” in every situation.

But I caution you that no matter how the Apple tries to solve all of our problems, life has a way of turning off the instant reply and doing whatever it wants to do.

In the past months as I write this, the Northeast US  has been battered by  Hurricane Sandy which destroyed 10’s of thousands of homes and disrupted the lives of 10’s of millions of people. It was unfair and no one’s fault.

Yes, people will try to blame the builders for placing the homes where they shouldn’t, and blame the governments for not responding or preventing the damage, but in the end this happened-  because life happens… and at times life can be grossly unfair.

I think we need to be prepared for the certainty that at sometime or another,  life will be very unfair to us. You as my children should know that no matter how hard I want to prevent it, bad things will happen to you, and you will have to suck it up and deal with it.

I think we all have to slowly start moving back to the understanding that sometimes the crops will fail. Things like bringing instant replay into college football games give us the wrong expectations of life. The expectation  should not be to be pain or error free, but to be able to move forward even after a great unfairness has been inflicted on you.

The only thing we are guaranteed in life is the opportunity to live it, everything else is a crap shoot.

Sure I would have loved to had Penn State win that game, and I wish that the call would have been a better one- but it wasn’t. BUT, I’d rather lose games like this than try to take the elements of chance that make life so interesting out of the game. I think taking the replay cameras out of the college stadiums would teach us far more about life than adding them has done.

It is 1pm est on Dec 20th , 2012 as I write this and I realize if the Mayan Calendar is correct this may be last blog posting. Unless I somehow become inspired in the next 11hours, this sadly will be it.

Tomorrow I may regret not using my final hours in the world helping others, saying I love you all of you or at least trying to ride a heater out in Vegas. But today I am choosing to write a few words that may turn out to be my last…

Do I believe the world will end tomorrow- of course not. But silly times like these help me to reflect on the “what ifs” in life.  It is the same feeling I get when I buy the lottery ticket on the jackpot that has risen to more than 500 Million.  And personally I think winning that jackpot is significantly more likely than a cosmic event that reshapes our world happening in the next several hours.

As I think about the pending end of the world I am hit by three thoughts..

First, thinking about the end of the world isn’t scary at all to me. It is the thought of surviving the end of the world disaster that scares the socks off of me. I’ve lived a life of comfort, to the point that camping wasn’t defined as a tent and fishing rod, but a 35′ motor home with satallet TV and a microwave. I’ve never been a survivalist, I’m sort of hoping that if a rouge planet hits us tomorrow I’m at ground zero. The thought of dying with all my friends and love ones appeals to me more than the thought of fighting other people for the last piece of dog meat in the county does. If it happens I want to go first- so God please aim the planet my way.

Second I am not filled with regret for anything I’ve done. Actually even the things that I’ve done that were bad, in the end helped shaped my life in the positive direction it had up to the end. The regret I’ve had is for things I have not done- the adventures not taken, the chance not risked, the kindness not given. This end of the world thing has taught me that if we should somehow be spared this certain death I should think more about the new opportunities than the mistakes of my life.

Finally, I find myself looking forward to the end. I know this seems odd to say, but our lives are filled with so much uncertainty, to think that any civilization – even those wacky Mayans- figure it out is somewhat comforting. Finding order and certainty in the universe makes me feel somehow closer to God, that there is a plan for everything. Yes, it would be a bummer that “my plan” would be to be burned to death in an instant cosmic fireball, but its still a plan.

Finally In my last written thoughts I would like to make a couple recommendations on your final moments…

1. Go to 5 guys and fries for your last meal, and order the burger with everything. Those fries, regardless of which part of Idaho they are from today, are really good.

2. Fill your heart with the joys and blessing of life, make sure that you let go of any hate or bitterness before tomorrow, its your last chance. Now isn’t the time to be pissed at your neighbor for not inviting you to their Christmas party, now is the time to find love in your heart.

3.  Tell the ones you love that you do love them. I have used this blog to leave a legacy for you my 6 children,  but it has been for me a way to say I love you with each posting. I’ve never been a touchy feely type of person- having difficulty showing the hugs and emotions that Bobbi  can do so easily. ( it is one of the big reasons I love her).  But I hope that you understand that which each posting I am trying to say that you matter to me greatly and that I truly love you.

So…with that said and full belly from a large burger at 5 Guys…I can now prepare for my final hours on this planet.

If for some reason the end of the world does not happen and those Mayan’s just had a great sense of comedic timing to wait 3,000 years for a punch line…I do want to leave you with another thought…

I want you to have very Merry Christmas and a great 2013.

#5: Have a grateful heart

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but
rejoices for those which he has.  “~Epictetus

It is the day before Thanksgiving as  write this, and I feel a bit ashamed that I have not previously address this important rule for life. Of all the rules that I have shared so far, this one is a rule that I personally try to follow everyday and has been the key to much of the happiness I felt in life.

I find it especially easy to write about this on Thanksgiving-eve, sharing the holiday with all of  my children and the love of my life Bobbi. This year seeing her collapse in my arms in the garage, watching my Mother-in-law recover from two major health issues, seeing my Dad get his pace-maker at 80 and Collin be operated on, I am particularly grateful for the simple fact that we are all here together and healthy.

I know that you my children, struggle with your own definitions of who or sadly if God exists. And that although my certainty of the answers to those questions have not yet influence you fully, I do hope I have taught you that you are not in complete control of your life. That regardless of if you understand it to be a higher power or just luck, things in life are not fully in your control.

I picked the quote from the philosopher Epictetus to start this rule because his central themes were about fate, and the understanding that suffering comes from trying to control the uncontrollable and the neglecting the things that are controllable. He believed that happiness in life comes from helping your fellow man navigate through life’s uncontrollable moments.

This year for our family we had many of those uncontrollable moments, as I’m certain that next year will have many more. But one this year has really made me reflect on the importance of gratitude in our lives.

When we discovered that PF Changs switched to Coconut Oil to cook their shrimp just  little too late to prevent Bobbi from an allergic reaction and stroke, I realized with certainty what I had to be grateful for and where my heart should be focused.  As I watch what could have been one of life’s most alternating moments unfold over the week that followed, I realized that hidden within this terrible, uncontrolled moment was the gift of gratitude.

Life is really good at covering up the important things within it. The necessity of earning a living, feeding a family and doing the laundry of life blinds us to the real joys in life. The small annoyances of disappointments and frustrations distract us from the really important things in life. But fortunately, life has a way of giving us instant perspective through its sheer randomness.

As I sat and watch helpless as they loaded Bobbi in the ambulance, unable to speak of walk, I was overcome by both a fear of loss, and what I now realize was as understanding of how grateful I was to have her in my life.  It is those moments of loss in our life that cause us to remember what we truly have to be grateful for in our lives.

Now that Bobbi is fully recovered, and sadly has full memory ( I was hoping that she would forget about me accidentally setting the side of our house on fire ), I now understand more fully the importance of gratitude in my life. I wake up every morning now, regardless of if had an argument of disagreement the night before, grateful that I can see her.  Grateful that she can be upset at me falling asleep in front of the TV, as  I am grateful to see her smile…that moments of happiness and upset can exist and I am very thankful for both, because of what will be know in our family forever more as the “Coconut Shrimp Incident” have taught me about gratitude.

As you go through life I hope you peer through very few ambulance windows, but know that if you embrace life fully you will have much that you will lose along the way. Life has a way of using both uncertainty and limited shelf life of everything to teach us the lessons of gratitude. The fact that you can lose your great love in an instant makes it your great love.

So with this Thanksgiving, and all future Thanksgivings..I ask that you learn with me everyday how important the gift of gratitude is in our lives. We have so much to be Thankful for…

Rule# 55: Good friends help defend you, family helps bury the bodies

Every Thanksgiving we go around the table and say what we are grateful for, and every year Matthew says he is grateful “for getting through another year without anyone discovering my dark secret”.

Our family  laughs but knows Matthew is only half kidding, well in Matthew’s case he may only be 1/4th kidding.

The truth is that we all carry secrets about ourselves and our feelings to survive in the “normal” world. They may be silly secrets like embarrassing moments of stupidity like a speeding ticket you are ashamed of or a failing grade of a test you should have aced. Or they may be more deep secrets of failures of moral or ethical judgment like cheating on a test or lying about a missed work or betrayal of a promise.

The only thing certain in life is that if you live long enough you will develop a nice package of these secrets that separate the “real you” from the “public you”.

We see it everyday in the failings of our leaders and idolized celebrities. It can be the lapse of judgement when a distinguished general like General Petraeus comes forward to disclose an affair with a woman 22 yrs his junior. Or it can be a seen as in the arrogance that allows one of the greatest college football coaches of all time to ignore child abuse right under his nose. What these shocking disclosures show us that all of us carry with us as Matthew so aptly describes ” dark secrets”.

I live a life in business that is very unusual. I am paid to develop unconventional solutions to complex insurance and business problems. I’m the guy people go to when they want to insure sexual misconduct in the catholic church or to fix a problem with a group of taxis that can’t seem to stop hitting  people. I’m like Harvey Keitel’s “The Cleaner” character in Pulp Fiction movie that cleans up the blood and mess on insurance problems, crushes the cars and helps the clients be able to survive another day.

Because of this unique skill set I tend to work in a pattern of peaks and valleys- with often having 3 to 4 weeks of 80 hrs weeks followed by periods of relaxed schedules. When there’s a dead body in the car I’m busy…when their isn’t I’m less so.

When My wife’s family first met me they see what most people see.. A boring insurance guy with a MBA, a nice suit and cheap haircut. But after while they see my work patterns and income streams allow me very attractive cash flows and periods of down time to use it. What they don’t see is my work with my team at the office trying to find win-win solutions for the latest “dead body” insurance problem that was found in some broker client living room.

I tell you all this because you need the context to understand the story of the ride my wife and her sister had with my in-laws about 2 years after Bobbi I become a couple

Bobbi had gone to Cincinnati to visit her family and they were all being driven by her father to the casino for some ” family bonding time” .

Incidentally one reason I love the Nolan family is that a significant amount of the “family bonding time” is spent inside a casino or cruise ship or both. But I digress…

As they were driving to the casino Bobbi’s Mom leans over into the back seat and says ” Ok I know he isn’t an insurance agent what does he do..is he in the mob ”

After stunned feeling from that statement wore off , they  had the realization that not only was she serious but this must have been the ending question to their Mom and Dad  discussions. They laughed hysterically.

Her parents had drawn the conclusion that I was the the Tony Soprano of insurance (moniker I’d actually think was pretty cool) but that they were fully prepared are to keep their daughters. dark secret about her new boyfriend.

Unfortunately I know I wouldn’t get a cool nickname like the “Dapper Don” I’d wind up being the “Bobster Bag of Donuts” of the insurance Mafia.

But the point of that tale was that if Bobbi had said,  “no he isn’t in waste management, he runs the book for the Philadelphia area”, they were fully prepared to not only support her, but to also hide the secret.

As we go through life we will have to learn to live a life that is truth based and not lie/ secret based. In Scott Peck’s book “People of the Lie” he explores the damage and harm that can happen to people when these secrets become lies driven to hide the truth of themselves. I recommend this book often, its a life changer.

General Petreaus and Coach Paterno learned that  however deeply hidden the secrets are, eventually they have a way of being revealed. And unfortunately the timing of these reveals will occur when you we most vulnerable or weak..truth will seek its escape from your secrets when you are least prepare to handle them.

So you may ask..is Dad telling me not to have secrets and to live a life of complete truth. Hell no, that would be boring and painfully difficult to interact with the majority people whom have there own secrets.

What I am telling you is that there are very few people in life that you can truly trust..and like my then future in-laws were prepare to do with their future mobster son in law, your family is who you can turn to.

The distance from who the world thinks you are and who you really are should be the shortest within the family. Our family will be there to accept your failures as well as your successes. We are the people that will come when the call comes at 3 am to meet them at your house with a shovel and a bag a lime with no questions asked.

The burdens of the secrets and lies should be significantly less heavy when with the family. There needs to be a place where we all can go to truly be ourselves..and I pray that you will find that safe place within the love of Our family. I truly hope there will be very few bodies to bury in your life.. But you should always know that “Bobster Bag of Donuts” and his trusted wife “Cincinnati Red” will be here to help the burden feel lighter.

Rule # 36- You’re not special ( guest written rule)

In this bog I have focused exclusively on my thoughts, other than those inspired by movies or books. Although I read constantly and am a news junkie, rarely I have found something that matches my thoughts about the world so completely that I feel compelled to publish it in this forum.

But the speech below give by an English teacher from Wellesley High in Massachusetts at the 2012 graduation ceremony hits the mark so well it demands re-printing.

I hope to be able to attend all my children’s and future grandchildren’s graduations from high schools and colleges- but if for some reasons I am unable, these words capture what I would pray I would tell them. Mr. McCullough captures what every graduate needs to hear perfectly.

David McCullough, Jr. – You Are Not Special Commencement Speech – Wellesley High School]

[Wellesley High School Teacher David McCullough, Jr. ]
“Dr. Wong, Dr. Keough, Mrs. Novogroski, Ms. Curran, members of the board of education, family and friends of the graduates, ladies and gentlemen of the Wellesley High School class of 2012, for the privilege of speaking to you this afternoon, I am honored and grateful.  Thank you.

So here we are… commencement… life’s great forward-looking ceremony. And don’t say, “What about weddings?” Weddings are one-sided and insufficiently effective. Weddings are bride-centric pageantry. Other than conceding to a list of unreasonable demands, the groom just stands there. No stately, hey-everybody-look-at-me procession. No being given away. No identity-changing pronouncement. And can you imagine a television show dedicated to watching guys try on tuxedos? Their fathers sitting there misty-eyed with joy and disbelief, their brothers lurking in the corner muttering with envy. Left to men, weddings would be, after limits-testing procrastination, spontaneous, almost inadvertent… during halftime… on the way to the refrigerator. And then there’s the frequency of failure: statistics tell us half of you will get divorced. A winning percentage like that’ll get you last place in the American League East. The Baltimore Orioles do better than weddings.

But this ceremony… commencement… a commencement works every time. From this day forward… truly… in sickness and in health, through financial fiascos, through midlife crises and passably attractive sales reps at trade shows in Cincinnati, (parents get that) through diminishing tolerance for annoyingness, through every difference, irreconcilable and otherwise, you will stay forever graduated from high school, you and your diploma as one, ‘til death do you part.

No, commencement is life’s great ceremonial beginning, with its own attendant and highly appropriate symbolism. Fitting, for example, for this auspicious rite of passage, is where we find ourselves this afternoon, the venue. Normally, I avoid clichés like the plague, wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot pole, but here we are on a literal level playing field. That matters. That says something. And your ceremonial costume… shapeless, uniform, one-size-fits-all. Whether male or female, tall or short, scholar or slacker, spray-tanned prom queen or intergalactic X-Box assassin, each of you is dressed, you’ll notice, exactly the same. And your diploma… but for your name, exactly the same.

All of this is as it should be, because none of you is special.

You’re not special. You are not exceptional.

Contrary to what your U9 soccer trophy suggests, your glowing 7th grade report card, despite every assurance of a certain corpulent purple dinosaur, that nice Mister Rogers and your batty Aunt Sylvia, no matter how often your maternal caped crusader has swooped in to save you… you’re nothing special.

Yes, you’ve been pampered, cosseted, doted upon, helmeted, bubble-wrapped. Yes, capable adults with other things to do have held you, kissed you, fed you, wiped your mouth, wiped your bottom, trained you, taught you, tutored you, coached you, listened to you, counseled you, encouraged you, consoled you and encouraged you again. You’ve been nudged, cajoled, wheedled and implored. You’ve been feted and fawned over and called sweetie pie. Yes, you have. And, certainly, we’ve been to your games, your plays, your recitals, your science fairs. Absolutely, smiles ignite when you walk into a room, and hundreds gasp with delight at your every tweet. Why, maybe you’ve even had your picture in the Townsman. And now you’ve conquered high school… and, indisputably, here we all have gathered for you, the pride and joy of this fine community, the first to emerge from that magnificent new building…

But do not get the idea you’re anything special. Because you’re not.

The empirical evidence is everywhere, numbers even an English teacher can’t ignore. Newton, Natick, Nee… I am allowed to say Needham, yes? …that has to be two thousand high school graduates right there, give or take, and that’s just the neighborhood N’s. Across the country no fewer than 3.2 million seniors are graduating about now from more than 37,000 high schools.

That’s 37,000 valedictorians… that’s 37,000 class presidents… 92,000 harmonizing altos… 340,000 swaggering jocks… 2,185,967 pairs of Uggs. But why limit ourselves to high school? After all, you’re leaving it. So think about this: even if you’re one in a million, on a planet of 6.8 billion that means there are nearly 7,000 people just like you. Imagine standing somewhere over there on Washington Street on Marathon Monday and watching 6,800 ‘yous’ go running by. And consider for a moment the bigger picture: your planet, I’ll remind you, is not the center of its solar system, your solar system is not the center of its galaxy, your galaxy is not the center of the universe. In fact, astrophysicists assure us the universe has no center; therefore, you cannot be it.[applause] Neither can Donald Trump… which someone should tell him… although the hair is quite a phenomenon.

“But, Dave,” you cry, “Walt Whitman tells me I’m my own version of perfect! Epictetus tells me I have the spark of Zeus!” And I don’t disagree. So that makes 6.8 billion examples of perfection, 6.8 billion sparks of Zeus.

You see, if everyone is special, then no one is. If everyone gets a trophy, trophies become meaningless. In our unspoken but not so subtle Darwinian competition with one another–which springs, I think, from our fear of our own insignificance, a subset of our dread of mortality — we have of late, we Americans, to our detriment, come to love accolades more than genuine achievement. We have come to see them as the point — and we’re happy to compromise standards, or ignore reality, if we suspect that’s the quickest way, or only way, to have something to put on the mantelpiece, something to pose with, crow about, something with which to leverage ourselves into a better spot on the social totem pole.

No longer is it how you play the game, no longer is it even whether you win or lose, or learn or grow, or enjoy yourself doing it… Now it’s “So what does this get me?” As a consequence, we cheapen worthy endeavors, and building a Guatemalan medical clinic becomes more about the application to Bowdoin than the well-being of Guatemalans.

It’s an epidemic — and in its way, not even dear old Wellesley High is immune… one of the best of the 37,000 nationwide, Wellesley High School… where good is no longer good enough, where a B is the new C, and the mid-level curriculum is called Advanced College Placement. And I hope you caught me when I said “one of the best.” I said “one of the best” so we can feel better about ourselves, so we can bask in a little easy distinction, however vague and unverifiable, and count ourselves among the elite, whoever they might be, and enjoy a perceived leg up on the perceived competition. But the phrase defies logic. By definition – by definition there can be only one best. You’re it or you’re not.

If you’ve learned anything in your years here I hope it’s that education should be for, rather than material advantage, the exhilaration of learning. You’ve learned, too, I hope, as Sophocles assured us, that wisdom is the chief element of happiness. Second is ice cream… just a – just an fyi. I also hope you’ve learned enough to recognize how little you know… how little you know now… at the moment… for today is just the beginning. It’s where you go from here that matters.

As you commence, then, and before you scatter to the winds, I urge you to do whatever you do for no reason other than you love it and believe in its importance. Don’t bother with work you don’t believe in any more than you would a spouse you’re not crazy about, lest you too find yourself on the wrong side of a Baltimore Orioles comparison. Resist the easy comforts of complacency, the specious glitter of materialism, the narcotic paralysis of self-satisfaction. Be worthy of your advantages.

And read… read all the time… read as a matter of principle, as a matter of self-respect. Read as a nourishing staple of life. Develop and protect a moral sensibility and demonstrate the character to apply it. Dream big. Work hard. Think for yourself. Love everything you love, everyone you love, with all your might. And do so, please, with a sense of urgency, for every tick of the clock subtracts from fewer and fewer; and as surely as there are commencements there are cessations, and you’ll be in no condition to enjoy the ceremony attendant to that eventuality no matter how delightful the afternoon.

The fulfilling life, the distinctive life, the relevant life, is an achievement, not something that will fall into your lap because you’re a nice person or mommy ordered it from the caterer. You’ll note the founding fathers took pains to secure your inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness–quite an active verb, “pursuit” – which leaves, I should think, little time for lying around watching parrots roller skate on Youtube.

The first President Roosevelt, the old rough rider, advocated the strenuous life. Mr. Thoreau wanted to drive life into a corner, to live deep and suck out all the marrow. The poet Mary Oliver tells us to row, row into the swirl and roil. Locally, someone… I – I forget who… from time to time encourages young scholars to carpe the heck out of the diem. The point is the same: get busy, have at it.

Don’t wait for inspiration or passion to find you. Get up, get out, explore, find it yourself, and grab hold with both hands. Now, before you dash off and get your YOLO tattoo, ah let me point out the illogic of that trendy little expression–because you can and should live not merely once, but every day of your life.

Rather than You Only Live Once, it should be You Live Only Once… but because YLOO doesn’t have the same ring, we shrug and decide it doesn’t matter.

None of this day-seizing, though, this YLOOing, should be interpreted as license for self-indulgence. Like accolades ought to be, the fulfilled life is a consequence, ah a gratifying byproduct. It’s what happens when you’re thinking about more important things.

Climb the mountain not to plant your flag, but to embrace the challenge, enjoy the air and behold the view. Climb it so you can see the world, not so the world can see you. Go to Paris to be in Paris, not to cross it off your list and congratulate yourself for being worldly. Exercise free will and creative, independent thought not for the satisfactions they will bring you, but for the good they will do others, the rest of the 6.8 billion – and those who will follow them. And then you too will discover the great and curious truth of the human experience is that selflessness is the best thing you can do for yourself. The sweetest joys of life, then, come only with the recognition that you’re not special.

Because everyone is.

Congratulations. Good luck. Make for yourselves, please, for your sake and for ours, extraordinary lives.”

Rule # 23: Brush Your Teeth

( part of the Abby- light it up blue series)

Abby, I know I sound like a dentist on this one. But, the purpose of this rule is much more than what the dentist tells you brushing your teeth is about.

The dentist will tell you that the brushing process is about the “health” of you teeth and gums. That by brushing your teeth you will avoid cavities and keep your teeth healthy and white.

While this is of course true, the real purpose to brushing your teeth has a lot more to do with preparing for the the world than it does just the health of your teeth and gums.

It is easy for me even now as an middle aged man ( boy those words were hard to type) to forget about preparation for life. So much about life is just getting through it all, and we seldom take the time to real “prepare” for anything.

We rush to school.

We rush to work.

We rush to sports and activities.

What often gets lost in all this rushing is a focus on ourselves and how well we are prepare to handle the challenges of life.

We just can’t seem to find the time to exercise.

We just can’t seem to find the time to read for fun.

We just can find the time to get a hair cut, for time to shop for ourselves.

Everything is life becomes more important than taking care of ourselves and preparing for the next thing.

Abby, I know that much “rules” of life don’t seem to make sense. And that people do things for reasons that sometimes confuse you or just seem silly.

But I think sometimes these silly rules, like remembering to brush your teeth, are life’s reminders to take care of yourself and to spend a couple minutes focused just on Abby.

God gives us stinky breath in the morning to force us to take at least 3 minutes every morning and 3 minutes every night and just focus on ourselves feeling better. The healthy teeth issues are less important than the time you spend just focused on your needs.

Abby, those 6 minutes a day, regardless if you are listening to your Justin Bieber singing toothbrush or not, is a time when you should think about yourself- focus on what you need and how you look. You should be looking at yourself and asking yourself what do you need to do to be prepared for the day ( or the next day at night brushing).

Teeth brushing time is Abby time- and you should never miss a time to focus on what you need to do to prepare for the day.

There is one more thing that you need to remember during the teethbrushing time.

You will be looking in a mirror while brushing your teeth most of the time.

As you look at yourself in the mirror I need you to say three things to yourself everyday, and teeth brushing time is a great time to remember to say them.

1. I am loved

2. I am ready for today

3. Today is a new day, yesterday no longer matters

I know that the success and strength I have found in life has come from the fact that I knew everyday that I am loved by my wife, my parents and my children- and that whatever life threw at me I could handle it and their love would never leave me.

You carry the love of me, your mom, your grandparents and your brothers and sisters with you everyday. No matter what “yucky stuff” of life gathers on your teeth during the day a good teeth brushing and remembering that you are loved will get you through the day.

At the start of this blog I defined the guidelines for the site as being very flexible – entirely based on my desire to impart my life lessons to my children- regardless if they wanted them. I knew at the onset a year ago that although I felt I was on the right path I had no idea where it would lead me.

In the past month a new direction for a series of blurbs dedicated to my Daughter Abigail has begun to develop and I would like to share them during the month of April. These are still rules of life but they are focused on rules which Abby will need to know now and in the future. Although I have all my children in mind as I write, these particular postings during April are focused on Abby’s unique needs.

Abigail is a wonderful blessing to our family,  she is full of love and energy. She loves books, music (both singing and dancing) and is an avid learner of all that life has to offer. But she struggles sometimes because she is a unique person, she has a form of Autism called Aspergers.

When we first realized she was special was when she started to interact with other kids in daycare. Things like loud noises and personal space rules confused her- she looks at the world much differently than most of us.

Not better or worse, just differently.

Bobbi and I had some great advice when we were first understanding what Autism was and how it would effect her life and our family. It came from a great psychologist, Dr Tonrey who told us…

” Don’t try to change her or fix her. I treat many people with Aspergers and they are among the kindness, most honest people I know. I wouldn’t want them to change at all. They view the world differently, your job is to help her understand how the rest of us view the world and help her to understand us”

It made sense then, but after now 4 years of experience her words have become even more wise. Abby was not a person we were suppose to mold into “normal”, Abby was a person who we needed to teach how to embrace the world with her own special gifts.

My son Collin wrote  speech for the start of Autism awareness week. I think is clearly says how we ( our family) feels about Abby…

“Living in A Different World than You or I See
by Collin Vestring

Some people see the world differently.
Some people hear sounds differently.
Some people feel touch differently.

Some people struggle to fit into a world
that doesn’t understand
how they see it.

These people see the world in a different way.
These people have Autism.

1 in 110 children in the United States have Autism.
They struggle to survive in a world where much of what they perceive doesn’t make sense.

More than 3 million people in the United States are autistic,
and one of them is my 9 year old sister Abby.

Abby doesn’t like loud noises.
She has trouble wearing jeans or pants because they hurt.
Abby has trouble understanding what people are feeling or what they need.
She struggles to make friends and “fit” into a classroom.

Talking is harder.
Listening is harder.
Getting dressed is harder.
and even playing is harder.

Overall, life is harder because nothing comes easy.

She has Aspergers.
She is autistic

I worry about how her life will be.

I wish the world would understand why she is different.
I wish everyone would be a little more understanding and a little more kind to Abby.

I wish I could do something for her.

There is a way.

There is an organization called Autism Speaks that helps people with Autism.

They help people like you and I become aware of challenges and struggles people with Autism face every day.

They find ways to improve peoples lives,
like Abby
through research and teaching.

On April 2 Autism Speaks is organizing a worldwide awareness day to make people more aware of Autism.

They have gotten hundreds of buildings and monuments to shine blue lights that night.

From The statue of liberty
to the
The golden gate bridge

All will be LIGHTING UP BLUE that night.

I ask you, as my classmates and friends to join with me to help my sister and the millions of people like her with Autism.

It is time to act,  It is time to start changing the world.

It is time to light a blue light on April 2nd

Abby & I have made it easy and have lights for all of you.  She picked out all of your lights. (blue neon necklaces, bracelets and princess wands)

We ask that you just turn them on and help everyone become aware of Autism.  This awareness will help with research and hopefully make the lives of those with autism better.

It will only take a couple minutes of your time.

On April 2nd when Abby picks me up from school and sees everyone wearing the blue lights she will know that people do want to help the world have a better understanding of how she and others with autism feel.

You can make a difference.

We hope to see your light shining. ”

April is Autism awareness month and we will of course as a family join with you to light up April 2 with Blue lights. Collin is kicking it off for our family by reading this speech to his school and giving out 1,000+ lights to his classmates at Archbishop Wood High School to help spread the word that night.

(Archbishop Wood’s faculty and administration have been more than supportive, not only pushing the cause, but taking real action to help spread its message. We as a family are blessed to have the AWHS family with us)

In a small way each rules published in the next month are designed to help Abby learn about the strange rules of our world, and help spread the message that Autism is challenging but once understood can bring joy to the lives of those who embrace people with it.

Thank you for the support of Autism Awareness week.

“Light it Up Blue…April 2”