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Rule #82- If you charge the mound bring the bat

The start of baseball season is only 11 days away as I write this rule. It is the beginning of a new season of what  is one of most rule filled games in sports.

There are rules to protect the “sport” of the game like the infield fly rule. This rule is to stop players from intentionally dropping the pop-ups to turn double plays.

There are also a series of “unwritten rules” that govern the play of baseball, that when violated give rise to the most colorful language in post game press conferences. These include things like a team should not attempt to steal a base when they have a large ( generally more than 4 runs ) lead.

But my favorite is probably the most violent unwritten rule in baseball.

If you have been grazed or nearly hit by a 90+ mph baseball to the head and you want to run out to the mound and punch the pitcher. First you must stare at the pitcher, take off and throw down your helmet and toss away your bat. You charge the pitcher with nothing in your hands or on your head.

Now this rule is both practical and necessary. If it did not exist every time a close pitch would occur there more be the possibility of a deadly assault on the field. Although it would make it very exciting to watch, criminal charges would be a likely outcome.

But as I thought about this baseball rule it occurred to me that life doesn’t play by those rules, that in life when we are threatened the response needs to fit the threat.

In life there are times you need to charge the mound WITH the bat.

I have been fortunate in life to not have to utilize violence or physical action to protect myself. I can count on one hand the number of actual fights I have been in my life, and almost all of those were over almost before they began.

But on the rare occasion that I was placed in a situation where I or my family were at physical risk I always brought the bat.

As a husband there have been a number of times when I was awoken by the “did you hear that noise” comment from from my wife. When faced with that moment you will find yourself looking for the nearest “bat -like” object to take to the basement to make sure it was the heater clicking on and not a mass murder looking for a their next victim.

So far I am 0 for 23 on mass murderer searches.

Beyond the physical threats there will be situations in your children’s life where you remain as the only defense against the cruelty of the world. When these occur the charging the mound with the bat fits.

There are situations where being the reasonable man just doesn’t work- you have to make it clear that this will not happen to my child.  I think of situations like the child abuser Jerry Sandusky being seen by people in the midst of abuse and their response of reporting the incident in an orderly fashion through the chain of command.

Clearly Paterno did not have a bat in hand.

This is a situation where people acted “reasonably” to an “unreasonable” thing.

The mound needed to be charged, but the mistake people made was to think that it was necessary to throw down the bat first. I think if Joe Paterno and others had my rule to guide them they would have immediately call the police or better yet gone to Sandusky’s home bat in hand.

Much of the problems in the world today stem from the feeling that we are dealing with the presence of evil in our lives by politely asking it to leave.

Don’t get me wrong, I rarely have found it necessary to actually charge the mound. If you are normal, reasonable person the situation may only occur a couple times in your life- but when it does- have the bat!

You may be thinking two “two wrongs don’t make a right” and that “good will win” – it may be your belief that it is unreasonable acts like charging the mound with a baseball bat that has caused bad things to happen.

You believe this in part because I have raised you to believe that discussion, compromise and reason can solve most  problems.

Although this will serve you well through much of your life, it will be a times a really bad decision. You have to learn the ability to assess the the gravity and scope of the situation and determine when “rushing the mound” is the right course of action.

I ask myself three questions before taking starting that run…

1. Is a the action that I need to stop going to put people that I love, or people that can not defend themselves at physical risk?

2. Is this an immediate threat?

3. Does lack of action have unacceptable consequences?

Quickly assessing these questions will stop you from needlessly charging the mound, and more dangerously not rushing it when you need to.

I think people like Chris Christy the current Governor of New Jersey have the swagger of a person capable of rushing the mound when necessary. I think our leaders, who are face with evil on a much more regular basis than you and I, need to have a personality that everyone can see is not adverse to picking up that bat when necessary.

It is the fact that you appear ready to do so that keeps the need  to actually do so from happening.

The reason that batters charge the mound ( with or without a bat) is because it actually works to deter pitchers from throwing at their head. Not every throw at the head is accidental- and the ones that were meant to send a message need to be answered by an equally load message.

The world is a wonderful and amazing place. As you grow older you will learn to  appreciate more of its beauty and want to be in it as long as you can. But as you grow older you will also realize that their are going to be pitchers in the world , like Sandusky, who are going to be throwing at your head- when that does happen- remember the BAT.

Rule# 66: Wear a helmet

I’ve realized that I started to having mid-life crisis early in my 30’s and have enjoyed re-experiencing them every 3 to 5 years since.

I recommend that you embrace them as you get older rather than avoid them, like grey hair they are inevitable. The trick is to channel them to positive things rather than unhealthy things.

For me the balance has always been to find the mid-life crisis that both is expression of as Dylan Thomas puts it a “rage against the dying of the light” and a healthy choice for my family and myself. It is the challenge of finding both the healthy and exciting adventures of life.

Which brings me to my rule: Wear a Helmet!

Of course the obvious expression of that rule is pretty easy to understand. Anyone that has watched Gary Busey before and after his motorcycle accident can see the clear advantages to wearing a helmet and the clear consequences of not.

And with knowing my obsession with Harley Motorcycles it is easy to quickly discount this rule as goofy Dad just reminding us to be safe. But it is much, much more…

First it is about the understanding that life is about risk, and if you never put yourself at risk life will become dull and sort of sad. Some of the risks will be like riding a motorcycle or riding a jet ski, others will be like taking a chance and running for class president or being in a play.

Bobbi has played that  1999 “Everyone’s Free ( to wear sunscreen)” song about a thousand times over the years. And a line in its still has a lot of meaning to me…”do something everyday that scares you”.

Everything that I have done. I mean EVERYTHING. Has stemmed from taking a risk when I felt uncomfortable and not ready..but took the leap. Leap everyday into an adventure and life will be filled with joy.

BUT…taking risks doesn’t mean being stupid. This is wear the helmet comes in.

When I was on mid-life crisis #11 in 2012  I bought a 2001 Harley w/ a sidecar. I rationalized that first because it had three wheels it would be safer ( lie#1) and that it was  about giving my children a chance to bond with me on rides (lie#2). Yes both statements are very true, but lets face it you kids know its about Dad liking to ride motorcycles.

As an aside I figured out at 51 why I have this obsession. Everything in my life is multi-tasking -balancing work, family and community in a way that all are well served.

In the time I ride a motorcycle I have to fully present and focused- or  will die. The intensity of riding a bike forces me to close down other aspects in my life and be on one thing at one moment.

The reason this works for me is that I don’t give a damn about the motorcycle- I like it, but I don’t really care about what it need or or wants are ( except gas and oil). It is a narcissistic focus that can not exist in the rest of my life because I am blessed by having a family, co-workers and friends I care deeply about.

I’ve not engaged in the practice of having mistresses but I think for some people these meaningless affairs with other people are the same experience that I get from a motorcycle. A complete self-serving moment of time when you really don’t care about anything but enjoying the experience.

As expensive and self absorbed a habit as motorcycle ownership is I can assure you it is not nearly as expensive or unhealthy as a divorce or relationship failure. I recommend strongly that you buy the motorcycle and avoid the affairs. Its a much healthier choice..with or without a helmet.

Its the healthy choices that I am really talking about in this rule.

Bobbi and I have a rule, whenever Bobbi feels the least bit uncomfortable with the fog, chance of rain, or traffic…or if she just has a “bad feeling” the bike stays in the garage. Taking risks requires you respect the people you love and don’t make them watch you go over the falls in a barrel to a certain death.

It also means that you protect yourself from harm the best you can because you have a responsibility to yourself and to people that love you like me.

Wearing a helmet when I ride a motorcycle is an expression of love for my family and understanding of responsibility that I have to others.

As you take the risks in life, which again I am strongly encouraging,  I ask that you reflect on this rule and ask yourself …am I wearing my helmet?

– When you go to the college party and drink too much, and you call a cab- you are wearing helmet

– When you decide that quiting the job to pursue a dream of openning a all night hot dog stand, putting away money first is wearing a helmet

– When giving your first speech to a group of  students or co-workers , practicing it in front of the mirror 3 dozen times is putting on a helmet.

Wearing a helmet is the decision to make the healthy choice, not by avoiding risk but embracing it safely and intelligently.

One final note- if you think I am encouraging you to buy or ride motorcylces by this rule I am not – it is a dangerous thing and as you Dad I want you wrapped in bubble wrap while driving a very large Ford in the slow lane.

But although I hope you don’t do anything that hurts you, I know that wearing the helmet is a pretty safe rule to follow.

Rule#13: Its not about the money.

There has been a sort of inside family joke for years when we talked about money and business:

“Its not about the Money. ITS ABOUT THE MONEY!”

Meaning of course was that the reasons we work, the reason we get up at 5:30am everyday to do battle in the corporate arena is to- get the money. And to a large part, this is the truth.

But as I have gotten older I am less certain of this being the only truth.

I have realized the thing that we spend most of the waking ours doing, work, may serve a purpose far greater than our family joke. Maybe , just maybe it is not just about the money.

But I am working against trends in our society on this rule.

There are a whole slew of expressions and cultural examples that exists that illustrate the point that over the last 50 years there has been a steady decline of the value of work in our society. One of my favorite examples is the expression:

Nobody on his deathbed ever said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office.”

It feels like our society has separated the function of work from feelings happiness. A job for many of us has become just that a job, a way to make money, nothing more.

I think is can be more.

I think it should be more.

As Andrew went off to Georgia to join our company as an adjuster, and as Matthew started working as a underwriting clerk I saw what a job can mean to our lives. The job is a paycheck- but also so much more…

It validates a useful purpose in society.

It can build a sense a pride and self worth.

It gives you a vehicle to impact the world.

Until I saw Andrew and Matthew go into the workforce full time I had forgotten what a job meant to my life.

I grew up in the 60’s, went to college in the late 70’s and had most of my early views of what a job “is” formed by the first a period of terrible economic conditions, that I refer to as the Jimmy Carter years, then a period of rapid almost uncontrolled business expansion in the 80’s and 90’s.

After the Vietnam war, Watergate and the dark ages of Jimmy C virtually everyone in our society has become a bit jaded about both our leaders and our world. We all stopped looking outward and started looking inward…trying to protect ourselves from what was rapidly becoming a world of distrust.

About this time corporations focused inwardly as well. These collections of “people” working in business became less concerned about their customers, employees and communities and almost entirely focused on themselves as stockholders. Focusing only on the money.

Somewhere in the 80’s we started believing as a people that it wasn’t about building somthing of value through work, it was about getting as much as you could before someone else got it.

I think it all stemmed from a lack of trust in the system, a belief that life was like a dinner of KFC, and if you didn’t grab through the bucket first you would be left with a tigh or wing. It no longer mattered if you were at the table with friends or strangers we were all shifting to the mentality that if you didn’t grab for the good piece of chicken nothing would be left for us.

The Gordon Gecco belief that was not only good( as in “Greed is Good”), it was the natural order of things became common.

– You can’t trust your government, so cheat them out of taxes

– You can’t trust your employees , so lay them off and cut their benefits- loyality is an illusion

– Customers are not loyal and will dump you in a minute, make money when you can

This warped view on life became the new order in life, the belief  was that work had no other purpose except to get us money and the “smart people” grabbed the best pieces of chicken first.

But after witnessing this decent into this cruel natural order world of work I have realized that we have lost some of the things that are very important to us in life, the things that made the “chicken” taste good.

It felt like the economy has failed us. The system lead us to become animals fighting over meaty profits, not aware of the employees, customers or communities.

Capitalism has been distorted by some and demonized by others.

I don’t think it was Capitalism that failed us, it is the way in which we approached it that did.

We approached it without respect or rules.

I think of the capitalist markets as a giant playground of life, the free market basically is the thought that you can do anything from joining a kickball game, to swinging on the swings, to just standing in the corner talking to you your friends.

What would make playground not fun is if a group of the older kids in the school told the younger ones they couldn’t play basketball or use the gym sets. If the playground was overrun by bullies and gangs no one would want to play there.

Also if the school decided that to control the bullies and gangs it needed to set up “monitors” and “teachers”  the protection of the playground would become overwhelming It would become both safe and very boring.

The best playgrounds are where their are very few rules, but the rules that do exists are fairy enforced and understood by everyone. The playground would be run not by the teachers but by the kids who all know that playing with kindness and trust of others is what makes the place a fun place to be.

Work can be that perfect playground for us.

We have to be sure to make is becomes this by doing a couple simple but important things:

1. Choose Fun– most of the people do not approach work with happiness and positve energy. I promise you if you choose to be happy and positive you will find both.

Be the positive force and everyone will be attracted to you. Being positive sounds easy but it takes a concentrated effort to remain positive when others are so down on everything.

2. Be Present– people who get the most from work are those who choose to commit themselves to what they are doing. As Woody Allen said, ” 90% of life is just showing up”. Most people in their work may be physically there, but not mentally and emotionally invested. The joy that comes from being completely invested in a project or task is hard to fully comprehend until you truly try it.

I see people everyday that ” get this” and are completely engaged. These are the waitresses that make the meal fun, the teachers that inspire you kids and the plumbers that finally fix that leak- these aer the people that ate present in their jobs.

3. Do Good by Doing Good– find a charity you care about, it can be anything from curing cancer to spaying stray animals, just something that has value to society. Then look for ways to help the cause through work. I may be fund raising, or volunteering or just contributing 3% of your income to it- but make your work a way to help others.

Bobbi and I have become involved in lost of things from high school athletics to research on Autism and used work as the vehicle to impact those causes. It is making the difference with these causes that has brought the most happiness to our lives.

By doing good or businesses have thrived, and we have gained far more in our lives than we have given.

Do good by doing good means that finding the way to help other often leads to helping yourself in the process.

You as my children really need to focus on using work as a way of giving back to the world and start that habit early. The $100 or $200 you give now at the beginning of your career than the $20,000 you give at the end…the giving is a pathway to happiness.

If you can’t afford it now help others in the work place- make other people successful and they will work to raise you up with them.

With all this said I can honestly say…Its not about the money.

But two absolute truths about me remain-

1. I like money

2. Much of what I do is to get more of it

But I am also a person who now realizes the joy I have gotten in work has been from the interaction and inclusions of others on the playground. That the money is less important than being a developer of a culture to allow others to enjoy the playground of work.

Nothing has made me realize this more than to have my  sons involved in my business.

Seeing the development of you boys as you worked hard and achieved success made me realize that this happiness was the real goal all along.

My rule is to guide you to search not for money but for happiness….you will find plenty of both if you do.

Rule # 41:  Pressure makes diamonds ( the recently renamed JoPa rule)

When I first started in business I had an early mentor, Sam, who gave me two pieces of advice that served me well in life.

1. That all you important decisions in you life will come down less than 5 critical  moments.

2. That these moments will be extreme pressure and they will either mold you into a diamond or flatten you into dust.

At the time I first heard this advice I was only 27 years old and thought I knew what Sam was taking to me about because I thought I had made a couple of those decisions already. I thought he was talking about the decisions such as, which woman I was going to marry, which college I was going to attend or what job I took.

I lacked the wisdom that only Sam a  old former marine officer who served three tours of duty in Vietnam could have learned in only 45 years of life. He wasn’t talking about choices of what I wanted to do or whom I wanted to do it with, he was talking about the BIG choices that defined a life.

One of the best explanations for what Sam was talking about came from that great fictional philosopher, Lt. Col. Frank Slade in his famous speech in defence of his young friend Charlie, at the end of 1992’s “Scent of a Woman”;

“Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard. Now here’s Charlie. He’s come to the crossroads. He has chosen a path. It’s the right path. It’s a path made of principle that leads to character.”

What both Sam and Frank were saying was that there will be critical moments where we are faced with hard decisions that have real consequences that will cost us dearly and we will have to make a decision as to if we are to keep what we have, or risk losing everything to serve an ideal of who we want to be.

I think war and combat must force those decisions to occur at a speed and severity that can not be experienced elsewhere. Where values such of protecting the safety of your unit and defending the freedoms of others can come at a personal price of a life long disability or loss of life. To jump in the line of fire not only when you think you may be shot, but when you know that you will likely die, requires a level of understanding that I can not fully appreciate because I have never been in that situation.

What inspired me to again write in this neglected blog is that recent events at my Alma Mater, Penn State.  They have caused me to  reflect hard on the words of Sam and to do some introspection on the critical moments I have had so far in my life.

Joseph Vincent Paterno was as close to a demigod in my life as anyone. I was never a fan of football in high school, and actually never really followed too closely any professional sports team. Yes, I know the big stories and key players in most sports, but never got emotional invested in any team. But Penn State football has been an exception.

It became so because “JoPa” defined his teams in terms of character and not wins.  I actually have never been a fan of his coaching or old school team management styles, but gain respect for what he was building.

“Success with honor” wasn’t about football, football was just a living metaphor for what the school was about. JoPa got it. It made sense.

But what Sam and Frank knew, and that JoPa apparently did not, was that in our lives we will be faced with these critical decisions which will make everything else you have done in your life look virtually unimportant.

Let’s face it JoPa did great things- following his “Grand Experiment” he transformed not only a football team but the university that surrounded it.

Sure he was 84 and should have retired a decade ago, but this man was on a mission from God. If he wanted to have losing teams and coach to 100 I felt that if anyone deserved to die on the field, this man did.

As I read the never ending stories about the seriel child molester, Sandusky, I at first could not believe that our JoPa, MY beloved JoPa, could have known anything about this man’s evil nature.

But as the decades of abuse allegations have unfolded in the news headlines I am left with the certainty that over the 20+yrs of rumors and and incidents in a community as small town-like as State College there was no way this could have gone unnoticed or unreported to its elder statesman. JoPa faced one of these critical moments at sometime.

Maybe it was in 1998 when the first shower incidents occurred.

Maybe it was in 2002 when then Graduate Assistant McQueary came to his home to report a child’s rape.

Maybe it wasn’t until he was called into the Grand Jury earlier this year.

But I seem certain that regardless of when it happen, JoPa was faced with one of these critical decision moments and made a terrible decision. A decision so wrong in its scope that it made the libraries he built, the awards he had won and the legend look like pebbles being crushed by a bulldozer of failure.

JoPa was faced with a moment of decision to do ” right thing”, the “hard thing”.

And instead of leadership he did his best Jack Sparrow imitation and “waved  at them as they pass by”.

Incidents like this will happen in your lives where you will see people you have learned to love and admire over the years disappoint you by making a making a wrong choice in their lives at a critical decision point.  I hope it is only a JoePa like sport figure and not your spouse or worse yet me as your father. But I do know that you will see these decisions in your life and be impacted by others critical decisions.

There isn’t much good that comes out of a JoPa fall from grace decision mistake, but it can a least help each of us to reflect our critical decisions and be ready for the decisions when they really matter.

I know you as my children will be left reading this with the question, what were my Dad’s critical questions? Unfortunately I’m not really sure yet, because the consequences of my “big” decisions have yet to fully play out in life. I can’t yet tell if what I think was important was really that important.

If JoPa had gone to the police at some point(any point), although newsworthy at the time would not be remembered as some great decision on act of heroism. It would only be remembered as a man doing the right thing when it was expected of him.

Sadly, most of our real successes of doing the “right thing” go unnoticed most of the time. It is only the failures that become obvious.
 

Rule #19: Men and women can’t be “friends”

Harry : You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally:Why not?
Harry: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally : Yes I do.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally : Yes I do.
Harry : You only think you do.
Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally : They do not.
Harry : Do too.
Sally : How do you know?
Harry : Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally : So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry : No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally : What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry : Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally : Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.

Quote from 1988 movie: When Harry met Sally

Virtually every woman that I have shared this rule with has  argued with me that the rule does not apply to them- and everyone of them has within 5 years came back to me saying that I might be right. So as much as you might be saying to yourself right now, “Dad doesn’t understand people of my generation ” , I ask that you suspend your disbelief and hear me out.

My rule is based on a couple facts about people.

1. Humans beings are Animals:

Humans beings are mammals, and regardless of your position on evolution we have a great deal in common with our fellow animals:

• Animals eat. Human beings also have to eat.
• Animals sleep. Human beings also need sleep.
• Animals have sex to procreate. Humans also have sex.
• Animals defend themselves; they fight. Human beings also have to defend themselves

Yes, we have larger brains that can manage abstract thought but it doesn’t change the animal nature that underlies our thinking. We have the ability discriminate between things and postpone gratification, but in the end we are driven by the desire to eat, sleep, have sex and survive.

2. We are born with an attraction to one sex or another.

Rarely will I find it  necessary to quote Lady GaGa but I have to agree with the title of her song ” Born This Way” that ultimately we are born with a preference. This is not saying anything about the moral issues around homosexuality or bi-sexuality, it just states that the survival of the human race requires mating between men and women.

As an aside I will state my views about homosexuality so that you are not left with a lingering doubt about what Dad thought about the issue.

I am a conservative, who believes in a higher power (God) and believes that there are clear moral positions of right and wrong that guide us in life. I also believe it is God’s plan that human beings continue to be successful on the earth, and as such it is important that there are more generations of people- and that requires heterosexual sex.

Although I understand and see this as an important part of us as a people, I do not know what God’s plans are for each of us. I do know that many wonderful kind, smart and good people are born with a perferance for a same sex partner. My sole criteria for evaluating a person is how they treat others in their lives. Regardless of who or what they choose to sleep with and how or where they choose to do so, the only important issue is how they treat others.

I’ve thought as most parents have, how would I feel if I had a gay son, daughter or gay grandchild? And the truthful answer is a bit sad. Not sad for me but for knowing that someone I loved  faces a life filled with intolerance and at times isolation. Not sad that they are gay, but sad that they live in a world that treats them so badly.

I want my children to be proud of who they are, and I hope that over the next decades that we as a society become more focused on what a person does outside the bedroom than in it.

Saying all this just reinforces my central ideas is that we are born with a hard wired preference sexually.

3. Everyone one you see or meet will be filtered through this sexual preference- Everyone!

People do an instant sort of people when they meet each other based on the evaluation of that other person in terms of your sexual attractiveness. No one ever looks at someone who meets their definition for “sexually attractive” and ignores it, it becomes the first decision in the relationship and from then on defines all other parts of the relationship.

This sorting of people occurs a primal force, and I would argue that one that can not be avoided. It however, can be managed.

Just because you find the check out person at the Wallmart attractive doesn’t mean that you have selected her for a possible mate. You have the ability as thinking people to say yes or no to a further relationship based on all the other issues that impact a potential mate.

4. Men do not draw a distinction between friendship and sexual relationship

In humans the males have hard wiring for pursuing and wooing attractive mates. Its the same in the animal kingdom where one sexually partner is the hunter and the other the hunted. Evolution has give the pursuer skills and attributes to be more successful at being a pursuer, and the pursued different skill and assets to become more successful at being pursued.

The nature of man is that built on stimulis and response. Each interaction teaches a man what is more successful in mating than other things. Things obvious like someone smiling, laughing at your jokes and making eye contact all lead to more successful potential mating encounters.

I believe that this evaluation of responses from women is what makes men cheat with their secretaries, co-workers and others that they are put into routine situations with on a daily basis. Woman may be just being polite and friendly, and men can take it as a green light to a relationship.

Basically it comes down to men being stupid in the processing of cues.

But saying they are stupid is another way of saying way they are overly optimistic.

All men when given positive cues will view the cues in an extremely positive light- it is what allows the male sex to keep pursuing females despite rejection.

So stupidity is a survival skill.

Now, women are not going to get off the hook.

Women claim to be above it all, and just be friendly to others and dress attractively because the like to feel go about themselves. And although the statements are both true, the nature of females is to be worthy of pursuit and of interest by males. So, they are reinforced by positive reactions of all males to their personalities, appearance and dress which tells a woman they are on the right track. It isn’t that the 23 year old is trying to be flirt with the 63 year old married man next door as a partner, but when he flirts back it does it make a the woman feel good.

Humans tend to keep doing things that get something out of, and these exchanges cause both men and women to receive positive reinforcement of behavior.

So why can’t men be friends with women?

Because men and women can not turn off the exchange.

Men ultimately can not help themselves in presenting behaviors that pursue women, and women can not help themselves from presenting behaviors that attract men- It is as Lady GaGa says..it is the way we were born.

What men and women need to do is to use their brains and control the urges and desires that drive them. And this is possible.

But it has to have rules. In your professional lives I have some clear rules which need to be follow:

• Do not go to lunch , drinks or dinner with any person of the opposite sex ALONE unless you intend to puruse  a relationship- the chances of one of you misreading the cues are too high.
• Do not engage in flirting or sexually charges joking, unless you either want a date or want a lawsuit.
• Never touch a co-workers. Backrubs, hand stroking and knee touching are ways to send seriously wrong messages.

Yes, the workplace is the incubator of many successful relationship, but understand the pursuit is dangerous to your career and reputation.  I urge you to be virtually sexless in your professional exchanges with the other sex.

On a personal level since men and women can’t turn the desire level off there is an extremely high probability that one of you engaging in a platonic friendship wants it to become sexual and emotional.

This probability goes up with mutual attraction:

• Man is attractive to the woman, woman is not attactive to the woman         (83%  chance of sexual relationship)
• Woman is attractive to man, man  is not attractive to the woman  (72% chance of sexual relationship)
• Woman and man are attractive to each other  ( 90% chance of a sexual relationship)
• Neither the man or woman are attractive to each other ( 50% chance of sexual relationship)

These probabilities DO NOT decrease if one or the other participant is in a committed relationship, in fact they increase.

If you are engaging in a platonic friendship with an committed person their is an imbalance in the relationship. Too many opportunities to share confidential information becomes a receipe for failure.

One exception to the rule is couples being friends with other couples.

The mechanism which draws couples together is able to control when there is another partner present.  The power and control exchanges are much different and couples can be friends with other couples.

I know that all this sounds cynical and a bit sad, but I’m trying to save you a great deal of hurt. Almost everyone that I’ve known in my life has ignored this rule only to cause hurt to themselves or others.

People are not nearly as complex as they seem and are driven by the same set of forces- eat, sleep, have sex, and survive.

Rule # 12 : Don’t Marry Till You’re 30

” To thine own self be true”

Most of us though a 10th grade english class can recall this line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. And most of us remember something about the play but the context of the quote is often lost.

It was a speech made by another Father to his son, Polonius to his son Laertes before he heads off to Paris.  This was a time long before blogs when the use of long winded speeches was about the only way a father could impart wisdom to his son. And by the way Laertes rushed off  at the end of the speech. it is obvious that relationship between advice giving fathers and advice receiving children has not changed much over the centuries.

But like Laertes, you likely heard the first part of the lecture and not the whole message.

The whole quote is much more meaningful in its lesson.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

So what Shakespeare was saying was far more important advice than just to be “honest with yourself”, he was was saying that you should be true to who you are, and not pretend we are someone else to others.

As I write this entry I am 51 years old and only beginning now to fully accept the person I am – recognizing my many failures and what my strengths and likes are as a man.  I realize now in the wisdom that can only be gained by making many mistakes, often making the same mistake multiple times, that most of my missteps in life came from trying to be someone I was not.

Nowhere were these missteps more evident than in my relationship with women.

Every wrong move or bad relationship I had in my life stemmed not from errors on the woman’s part but from errors on my part in not truly being myself. I wanted to be loved, accepted and told that I was doing the right thing more than actually doing the right thing.

That’s not to say I was the complete reason for the relationship failures, but not knowing who I was made it virtually impossible for me to know another person.

When you are in love, or more likely in lust (see all men are pigs posting), you want to keep getting the high that comes from being connected with someone. Passion for another person is like the cocaine of life, it feels so good when you connected with another person completely we are willing to give up everything we have, including ourselves to feel it again.

Being in love/lust is very much about compromise and embracing the uniqueness of each others. It isn’t bad to try to learn to love and share the interests of a partner. Let’s face it Matthew McConaughey would not have a film career if not for a million men trying to make their dates happy by seeing his latest uni-demenishional screen performance in the “chick flick” offering of the season.

What I’m talking about isn’t about learning to love opera, its about how you view the world.

Things that define who you are and how you love your life, like;

• Am I  social person or am I a loner?
• Do I view the world optimistically or pessimistically?
• Is being successful in business more or less important to me than my family life?
• What things in life truly make me happy?
• How do I view money, am I a spender or saver?
• What type of relationship do I want with my extended family- Do I want to be a part of the Waltons or be a hermit?
• Do I really love kids enough to have them?
• Do I want to travel the world and move often, or do I want to have a house at the Jersey shore and stay near where grew up?
• Do I forgive and forget or am I a person that enjoys revenge?
• Is God the center of my life or am I the master of my universe?

I know that these questions seem very simple, but if you don’t start asking yourself them you won’t be able to really connect fully with someone in a real way. You can’t ask someone to join you on life’s journey until you know where you want to go, and how you want to get there.

That brings me to the title of this entry ” Don’t Marry till You’re 30″

I established this rule not because there is something mystical about the age 30, its about the probability of truly not only asking the tough life questions but being able to answer them. Yes, there are a few very enlightened people that truly know who they are at 25, but I personally have never met them. I have however met hundreds of 50+ year  olds that have been so busy with work, marriage and stuff that they have never asked themselves the fundamental questions of life. They are running to one fast food restaurant after another so concerned about eating they’ve never enjoyed the meal enough to realize what they are consuming.

 The probability that you will truly know the answers to what you want in life by age 20 is less than 3%, by age 25 about 25% only by age 30 is your likelihood over 60%.  So to have a real chance at making decisions that are good for your partner and you, later is better.

One strong word of caution is that getting married is like starting a lifetime road trip where you together pick how you will be traveling and where you want to go on the trip. And once you start that trip the excitement of all that you will see on the way ( new houses, kids, work, college, marriages, births and deaths) you will be so busy looking out the windows of life’s road trip car that there will be very few chances to stop and think about where you are going.

Once on life’s road trip with your partner three things are TRUTHS;

Truth #1: Every mile you go will need to be backtracked if you head the wrong direction

If you get 5 years down the roads with a partner you and you look over at the person next to you in the car and realize you don’t like where you are going, you don’t get to pull over and find another person to get in the car with you.

You have to go all the way back to the beginning of your journey, find a new car and restart over again. So every mile you go in the wrong direction makes the journey back further.

Truth # 2- You will change destinations many times

Where you plan to go on your road trip in your 30’s will be very different than you plan to go when you are in your 50’s.  You’ll find yourself staying longer in some places than your expected and completely missing others, stay flexible and be sure your driving partner is flexible too.

Truth # 3 – Sooner or later you will have a flat tire in the rain on a dark road.

Life, like road trip cars, breakdown from time to time. Sooner or later you will find yourself stuck in the middle of a rainstorm, on a lonely road at night with no spare. At that moment you will look over at the person next to you and either be wishing they were someone else, or so glad that you are on in that car with them.

All this comes down to really knowing yourself.

So get to know who you are..try things, challenge yourself, do stuff that makes you fee uncomfortable- learn who you really are as a person.

Then, and only then, regardless if you ar 29, 30 or 76 you can find the partner who makes the trip all the better.

Rule # 14: What Women Want

Women have been the greatest source of joy in my life, and the greatest source of mystery.

I think the complexity of the gender is what attracts men to them.

To my sons: I know with certainty you will have your heart broken because you thought you understood what a woman wants in a relationship and have assessed the relationship entirely wrong.

To my daughters: I know with certainty you will have your heart broken because you thought you communicated clearly what you wanted in a relationship and the man misunderstood entirely. ( of course when this happens to my daughters I have a 40 gallon drum, a bag of lime and a shovel that will take care of the insensitive cad)

It is very hard for men and women to understand what each other “really”  wants from their partner. But through many failures I have gained knowledge on the subject that needs to be shared. For me I learned none of this easily, and hope that through reading this posting I can save you trips to the florist, eating containers of Ben and Jerry’s at 2 in the morning and perhaps a tear or two.

What inspired me to write this posting was a quote from a movie I watched the other night,  “The Tourist” which although a very average movie had one exchange of dialog that defines my entire insight on the subject of what women really want in relationships:

Elise: Invite me to dinner, Frank?
Frank Taylor: What?
Elise: [gives him a look]
Frank Taylor: Would you like to have dinner?
Elise: Women don’t like questions.
Frank Taylor: Join me for dinner.
Elise: Too demanding.
Frank Taylor: Join me for dinner?
Elise: Another question.
Frank Taylor: [thinks for a moment] I’m having dinner, if you’d care to join me.
Elise: [smiles at him]

Embodied in that exchange is the essence of what women really are looking for…and I ask you to re-read it .

Go on…I’ll wait.

In that exchange is the two keys to understanding what women are really looking for in a man.

Key # 1: A man whom knows where he is going

There is a running joke on most television shows about men being afraid to ask directions. 

I think its because men get trained by their mothers, girlfriends and wives ( and I’m learning daughters) to not trust their instincts. They are taught to ask permission on virtually every thing in their lives. And when one of us finds ourselves lost on an unknown road we hide the fact, rather than risk further ridicule or lectures from our women traveling companions.

Its this uncertainty of directions which causes the the most confusion in life.

One simple truth is there are clear healthy or unhealthy things in life, but there are many right answers to a questions which can yield successful results. Simply there is more than one way to go.

When you find yourself  looking for the route in life you can head for the expressway, the sceanic mountain drive or the urban tour and it doesn’t really matter as long as your headed in generally the right direction. If you get lost , who cares, life is far too short to worry about such things, find a new place to stop and eat, regroup and just trudge ahead. Its the journey that matters not the destination.

I have found that the confidence of someone who is not needy or dependent is attractive to virtually every woman. I think it is also why women are sometimes attracted to jerks.

This is an important warning to my daughters, because in addition to all men being pigs, there are a significant number of us that are jerks.

There are many jerks that women get attracted to because of the desire to me with a man who “knows where he is going”.

Avoid the “self involved child”.  Guys that never mature can sometimes mask their immaturity and self indulgence personality in a smooth aroma of what appears to be confidence. You can wake up 3 years into relationships with men like this and realize that you are surrounded by emotional wreckage.

Daughters, look for the signs;

1. Does he ask you about you as much as he tells you about him?

2. Does he show that you are important to him by simple things like opening the door, or picking you up flowers every once in a while?

3. Does he avoid self destructive behaviors that impact your life?

If you answer no to any of these questions you have mistaken a immature jerk for a confident man. Confidence is not having the will to throw a temper tantrum if things do not go their way. Confidence is not being insensitive or inflexible- compromise shows strength more than it shows weakness.

Look for coolness not cockiness.

It will take some searching but men do exist with right stuff, and never settle for anything less.

As one last aside to my daughters about these “jerks”, men can’t not be fixed.

If they are jerks on the first date, they will be so 20 years from now. No matter how much you love someone you can not make manufacture maturity for them. Walk away early, and walk away quickly- you deserve better.

Key # 2:  A man who in comfortable with who he is

Confidence comes from knowing that you are the man you want to be. It’s knowing you have choices everyday, and can go to sleep soundly knowing that you have made choices which reflect who you want to be.

I have seen men that wear $3,000 suits, and men that own only wears worn jeans both display the same comfort in who they are, and how they are preceived by others.

I learned this important lesson when I contracted Bells Palsy in 2001 and had 1/2 my face paralized for 6 months. It affected my speach, my appearance and my overall ability to be perceived as a healthy strong person.

What I learned in that period that being comfortable with who I was, unappologicly, confident and proud was much more important than how I looked outside.

Being comfortable with who you are starts with liking yourself enough to take care of yourself, and ends with the confidence that you know who you are.

I recommend that you spend at least 2 minutes every day looking at yourself in the mirror and asking yourself…”do I like this person”.

If you do not, for whatever reason take the steps necessary to change it, and I hope you know I am talking about far more than if you need a shave or haircut.

When you can do this everyday and answer,  “Yes! I like who I am” then women will be far more attracted to you. This being comfortable with who you are is a magnet to women, it draws them in because it is both attractive and safe.

Liking yourself is the most important guide you should follow before trying to form a realtionship with someone else. If you don’t like you, why would anyone else like you.

I wish I could say women were not attracted by other things like physical appearance, wealth or power but that would be a lie. Especially when women are under the age of 28 they tend to make a lot of mistakes trying to indentify what is real and what is not.

But all women evenutally come to the same conclusion- It is impossible to be happy in a relationship with someone that has no idea who they are or where they are going.

My wife Bobbi tells me when she stress she feels like she is alone in the woods.

I think it is the role of men in relationships is not to “lead’ the way out of the woods, but to find your partner, build a warm fire and have some smoores until they are ready to walk with you out of the forrest.

The secret is too convey to her that she isn’t lost at all, and you know how to have fun where she is…and that when she is with you, no matter how deep in the forrest she is, she is home.

Knowing how to be where you need to be, and conquering fear of being lost through confidence and self worth will get you home safe with a woman who will love you.

Rule# 62: Make your bed

This may look at first glance like a chore list. Make your bed, take out the trash, walk the dog….

But making your bed does a great deal more than appease your parents need for order in the household. I argue that making, or not making your bed can define your day and eventually your life.

Life is a a collection of uncertain moments with uncertain outcomes. Similar people may approach identical circumstances and because of timing, outside factors and small changes in the universe come up with much different outcomes. There are no guarantees in life, and no matter how well you are prepared for a set of outcomes life can and will throw you a curve ball  even when the pitcher signals a fastball.

We have to live with uncertainty.

The only thing we have complete control of is our actions and mindset. It is the attitude which we approach the uncertainty of life that makes all the difference. We begin to establish that attitude everyday when we get up by how we treat ourselves, our home and the people we meet;

I have found that the simple task of neatly making the bed,which you just got out ,of says allot about how you intend to interact with the world.

I have to explain in a little detail exactly what I mean by “making a bed” because the definition and task can vary widely. I have to first start with the what “making a bed” is not.

It is not quickly pulling up comforter to hid the unmade sheets.

It is not  throwing the pillows at the headboard and yelling done.

It is not neatly arranging 22 assorted throw pillows and shams (I’m not exactly sure what the purpose of a sham is, but I’m fairly certain it is not related to the sham-wow of infomercial fame) This isn’t interior decorating.

What making a bed is, is the  3  to 5 minute process of neatly straitening out the sheets, covers and comforter so that the bed is “sleep ready” for the night.  It looks like a bed that you would not be embarrassed to have a neighbor see and creates an inviting welcome when you enter it for sleep.

The whole process in under 5 minutes says a number of important things about you and the way you value yourself;

1. ) It says you are worthy to have a nice bed to sleep in and not just a pile of covers that shifts from night to night

2. ) It says that you can set out and accomplish tasks, even small tasks like this, and execute them quickly and efficiently

3. ) It says, when of the appropriate age ( for Rachel and Abby this means 32) , that you believe that you are worthy of someone being interested enough in you to join you in your bedroom for sleep and other adult activities. And that person, hopefully being a spouse. would like to enjoy a comfortable place to lie down with you.

4.) It is a caring act to your spouse or significant other whom shares your bed that says you care about them. For men having a well made bed for the woman of your life (note I clearly said woman and not women) is equivalent act of chivalry to opening a door or holding out a chair as they sit. It tells the woman that you respect them.

I want to make another brief aside while discussing the bed to my children. For the boys, avoid at all cost overly masculine bedrooms while you are single. The use of more neutral tones will be far less threatening to any woman. The room doesn’t need to look like you entered the Delta house fraternity president’s bedroom.

For my girls avoid, when living single beyond the age of 30, the use of  Princesses, unicorns, and pinks.  These will not send the right message to your future husband ( the only man that should see your bed) , make your choices neutral enough not to scare away people.

Back to the issue of making the bed…

In your life senses of accomplishment become increasing rare as you get older. With your work the projects will become longer term and the completion dates less certain. With your children you will go from the almost instant gratification of seeing them take their first step or sayingDaddy, to waiting years for them to become stable in jobs and relationships. The wins are still good ones, but their a lot more distance between the win.

Getting up everyday and making your bed starts you out with an accomplishment and a win. It helps you believe that there can be closure to things in your lfe and things can be get done.

I ask that you add this simple task to your life and enjoy the joy which it can bring you.

Rule #77: Don’t Mess with Karma

In a lot of these postings, I talk about religion, God, and faith. Many of these same conversations have played out at our dinner table, usually with heated debate. Matthew, in particular, believes that nearly every phenomenon in the universe can be explained by science and logic.

One concept that challenges a purely science-driven worldview, however, is Karma. Karma—rooted in Hindu, Sikh, and Buddhist philosophy—teaches that our actions interconnect us with the world around us.

I can’t prove the existence of God (though I may keep trying), but I can say that the interconnectedness of the universe is both real and measurable. For the more analytical among you—and yes, Matthew and Eevee, that means you—what I’m referencing is chaos theory. Specifically, the “Butterfly Effect”: the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in Africa sets off a chain of interactions that can eventually influence the strength of a North American hurricane.

It’s a metaphor for how everything is connected. And though chaos theory suggests the world is random, even Einstein pushed back, writing to Max Born, “I am convinced that God does not play dice.” We may lack the tools to map every variable, but the more we look into the universe—whether charting galaxies or unraveling DNA—we find more order, not less. There is an elegance of design that can’t easily be dismissed.

As children, we expected praise when we did something good. As adults, the reward is no longer automatic—we act instead from an inner compass, whether moral code or work ethic. Maturity teaches us that action and reward don’t always show up in neat, immediate pairs. But that doesn’t mean the connection isn’t real—it’s just less obvious.

Karma isn’t simple “do something good, get a cookie.” It’s deeper, slower, and more powerful. Karma flows like an ocean current. Swim with it, and life moves more easily. Swim against it, and you’ll feel overwhelmed.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received from a therapist was: Don’t focus on doing the “right” thing—focus on doing the healthy thing. “Right and wrong” can be fuzzy up close. But “healthy and unhealthy” is easier to see. Karma works in much the same way. Healthy actions encourage more health, more connection. Unhealthy actions attract more dysfunction, more damage.

That’s why I was angered by bloggers who suggested Japan’s devastating 2011 earthquake and tsunami were “Karma” for World War II. That wasn’t Karma—that was cruelty. In fact, real Karma could be seen in the waves of compassion, aid, and relief work that followed. Helping others and connecting with them is the key to understanding Karma.

As Buddhist teacher Sakyong Mipham put it: “Like gravity, karma is so basic we often don’t even notice it.”

Kids, choose paths that move with the current, not against it. Seek ways to connect with people, to make lives better without expecting something in return. In business, in friendships, even in small interactions with strangers, this mindset pays off: “doing well by doing good.”

But ignore Karma at your peril. Selfishness, cruelty, and chasing immediate rewards will drag you into destructive currents. Karma is a force—one that can carry you forward, or one that can destroy you.

Takeaway: Karma isn’t instant payback—it’s the current of life. Swim with it by doing healthy, positive things, and it will carry you far. Fight it, and it will crush you.

Love , Dad

Rule #49: Ready, Aim, Fire

When you were very young, you played endless games of war with water guns and Nerf blasters. Battles raged in the basement and spilled out onto the lawn, sometimes lasting for hours. Despite the dire warnings from my more liberal friends that these games would turn you violent, not one of you has grown up to own a weapon more powerful than a paintball gun. None of you has climbed a church tower to take target practice on the neighbors either. That, my children, is what I call effective parenting.

What those games did teach you, however, was the importance of three words: Ready, Aim, Fire.

The concept was simple: you find a target, steady your weapon, focus, and when the victim is in both sight and range—you fire. It worked in the backyard, and it works in life. The trouble is, most people forget this simple sequence.

I’ve found that the world is divided into three groups when it comes to this phrase:

Group #1: Ready, Aim, Aim, Aim…
This group makes up about 70% of the population. They’re intelligent enough to recognize opportunity and skilled enough to hit their targets, but they never pull the trigger. Many blame fear, but I think it’s more about reluctance to risk change.

When I was starting out in business, I got promoted quickly because I was willing to risk tomorrow being different from today. It wasn’t reckless—it was calculated. I knew the odds: most risks are small, survivable falls, and even the bigger ones usually leave you a little bruised, but wiser. The point wasn’t certainty—it was acceptance of the unknown.

The movie Groundhog Day teaches the same lesson. Bill Murray’s character, stuck in his endless loop, only begins to live when he risks change, when he engages with life. Too much “aiming” is just planning and re-planning forever—never living.

Life will hand you forks in the road where you must choose, often quickly. Group #1 avoids deciding altogether, letting inaction decide for them. They are like frogs on a log, too scared to leap, carried by the current until they tumble helplessly over the waterfall. Even if the leap is risky, at least you’re choosing the ride.

Group #2: Fire, Aim, Ready
This group makes up about 20% of the population. They live life in reaction mode—seeing endless choices but never pausing to aim. Instead, they say “yes” to everything, or sometimes “no” to everything, without reflection.

These are the train wrecks of life: celebrities who flame out publicly, people who confuse recklessness for courage. The “Fire, Aim, Ready” approach often comes with bravado—an “I am what I am, deal with me” attitude. It can look like confidence, but without aiming, it’s destructive.

The truth is, thinking before acting—preparing, aiming, then firing—isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.

Group #3: Ready, Aim… Fire
This final group—maybe 10% of the population—gets it right. They prepare, they plan, and then they act. Not paralyzed, not reckless, but deliberate and decisive. They’re the ones who find both success and happiness, because balance wins.

For you, my children, I hope you always find the courage to act on the opportunities life gives you—but do it thoughtfully, respectfully, and with intention.

Takeaway: Life rewards those who prepare and act with balance—don’t get stuck just aiming, and don’t fire without thinking.